"A month from today I guarantee I will be able to stand side by side with any striker in the country. I went to the World Cup as a punter. I didn't see any players that made me think 'I can't do that'" - Stan gets giddy about a possible Premiership return

"One day, I thought God had smiled on me because Ray keeled over and had a heart attack on the training pitch. It felt like divine retribution. I had never been so happy in my entire fucking life. He didn't die. Little fuckers like him never do ..." - Stan's fond memories of his former Walsall youth team coach Ray Train, as recalled in Stan Collymore: Tackling my Demons


"One day, Geoff Thomas was moaning about something after training, so I got up and chinned him" - Stan bonds with a Crystal Palace team-mate

"Everybody thinks I underachieved as a footballer. I didn't underachieve. I overachieved. I had a great career" - Stan puts a novel spin on being washed up at 26

"Suddenly, a man came out of the shadows and the inside light went on in the car next to me. The bloke walked right up to their car and a door opened. It was obvious he was getting sucked off by one of the women in the back seat, so I hopped out and wandered around to the other side of the car and had a bit of a fiddle with the other woman. The two husbands were just sitting in the front seat watching. When I went away, my heart was in my mouth. It had given me a huge adrenaline rush" - Stan enters the grave new world of dogging

"I count helping to keep Southend in the first division in my season there as one of my finest achievements. That's success to me" - right, Stan

"There was a time when I was sleeping with four or five women a day. Terrified of loneliness, I had them coming to my house in Cannock on something approximating a rota system. One would arrive, we would have sex and she would go. Another one would arrive, we would have sex and then she would go" - Stan on living the dream in the mid-90s.

"Those guys should just have been watching me at work. They should have been standing there with their mouths open in awe. They should have been learning. They were so rude. Morrison even stuck his tongue in his mouth" Stan reacts badly to on-pitch abuse from Andy Todd, Darren Purse and Andy Morrison

"There were two female physios at the club. I was like a dog with two dicks. I spent a lot of time on the treatment table" - Stan beds down during a loan spell at Fulham

"If you want to fucking get it on, we'll go round the fucking back, get our mics off and I'll cave your fucking head in" - Stan bonds with Vanilla Ice during the TV show The Farm

"I'd love to finish my career here. In a settled environment where I'm happy, I intend to produce the goods. I'm convinced I can give Villa that little bit extra which might make the difference. My best years lie ahead" - Stan talks the talk upon arrival at Aston Villa. Three years, 46 games and seven goals later, he quit

"I will leave all the talk about my so-called baggage to other people. All I want to do is to make sure I do the right thing for Bradford City. At Leicester this season I scored against Chelsea and for 99% of the time I created chances and did positive things on the pitch. So if I can do the same for Bradford I am sure we can start moving in the right direction" - Stan wipes the slate clean upon joining Bradford in 2000. Eight games and two goals later, he was off

"I hope I change my image here. I have found a good atmosphere. The training's been good for me and I should be in tiptop condition within a month" - sound familiar? Stan talks the talk upon arriving at Real Oviedo in 2001. He was gone within six weeks