tommy cooper.

went to see the doctor last week.

doctor i feel like a dog.

hop up on the couch and lets have a look at you.

im not allowed on the couch.


for the record mushy peas are disgusting. pie mash and licker though get me there.

A man with a nervous gait shuffles into a house of ill-repute and whispers nervously to the madame at the door that he requires "immediate and intense satisfaction". She cocks a brow and informs him that it will come at a price. He fumbles around in his pantaloon pockets and pulls from one a weathered dollar bill. The madame laughs and informs him that this is woefully short of what would buy him the satisfaction he so hungrily desires. She does however produce a young mallard from behind a counter, and offers it up in exchange for his measly bill.
He is guided towards a nearby broom cupboard where he promptly gives the duck the roasting of its life.
Putting his clothes back on he happens upon two crisp dollar bills and races eagerly back to the madame and slaps the money between her heaving bosoms.
"What madam, I say, will THIS get me!"
Expecting twice the satisfaction his face drops as she presents him with another mallard - of equal standard to the last it appears.
"Why, may I ask dear madame is this twice the price of the last?"
"Well sir, this one doesn't have AIDS."















And the funny thing is that I'm not within slapping distance of any of you! Hahah!

Rimbaud III wrote:And the funny thing is that I'm not within slapping distance of any of you! Hahah!

You sir are in a HUGE amount of trouble.

Champion Rabbit wrote:

Rimbaud III wrote:And the funny thing is that I'm not within slapping distance of any of you! Hahah!

You sir are in a HUGE amount of trouble.

If I've offended anyone with AIDS, please, I invite them to come round to my house and fight me. I'm quite wimpy really, so they'd have a really good chance of inflicting some mild damage. It wouldn't be a fight really, it would just be me being hit by someone with AIDS. How's that for equality? I might get on the phone and get some of my black friends to come round and beat me too - you know, to cover another base too.

how about midgets and women.

are they invited to.

cos i know someone who could kill two birds with the one.

I've been beaten up by a girl before. It was humiliating. But only because I really liked her and would have preferred to have been her boyfriend. She didn't see it that way. She picked me up, turned me around and dropped me on my head. By rights I should now be a raving misogynist with a penchant for battering the ladies, but I'm not. I'm into consensual battery now. I can't get enough of women's fists pounding about into my wiry frame.

"Punch me in the stomach. REALLY! Punch me! DO IT.... OUCH! Too hard. I think you burst my spleen."

Rimbaud III wrote:
If I've offended anyone with AIDS, please, I invite them to come round to my house and fight me.

It was more about the level of 'funny'.

Allow me to absolve myself by stating that the joke wasn't mine to begin with. It was like that when I found it, honest guv.

guy goes into a pub.
walks to the bar and orders a drink. the bowl of peanuts next to him start telling him how great he is.

he walks over to the cigarette machine to get some fags. the machine tells him how much of a prick he is.

he asks the barman what that was all about and he says the peanuts are complimentary and the cigarette machine is out of order.

good and old

Ok, so:

What has four legs and an arm?







A rottweiler.