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Ah man.. I don't know the answers, but at least for what little it's worth some of this might be starting to add up at least. I can almost re-read that "you're a good man" quote as a sense of guilt. There's probably no way not to feel really upset right now, just be careful and be good to yourself as much as possible.

bigc wrote: Fri Dec 02, 2022 2:46 pm Is it a bad idea to let her know that I know?

Maybe start with "why are we unexpectedly out of wireless data?" without being otherwise accusatory?

EDIT: I don't know your situation well enough to know how certain the evidence of an affair is, but if you do accuse her of having one, that cat is out of the bag and there's no going back.

Withholding the fact that you know about the 93 hours is a little bit like lying.
But do you have to initiate contact with her just to say "By the way, I found out about..."? Maybe not. That's almost like starting a fight or something.
But would it it be OK to later catch her in some kind of a Columbo "gotcha" moment -- no, that doesn't seem cool either.

Sorry, I'm not much help, I'm way out of my league. But It's OK to vent here and I wish you the best.

She has described lots of feelings of guilt. I feel like I know why. It's also fairly liberating in that I feel like I can start to understand recent events more clearly, and endeavor to not determine my behaviors in the context of our marriage, but in the context of my own recovery and future happiness.

I think the path is to not reach out to her now, but to give her an opportunity to come clean the next time we talk. I do still love her, we've been together for 26 years, and I still want what's best for her, so I think it's best for both of us long term if I ask and she has an opportunity to be honest.

It's just really fucked up that it's her deceased Uncle's best friend.

I've always had a fairly easy time hunkering down in times of crisis, and my extra dumbbell weights did just arrive. So that's good. Somehow, the high road always seems to present itself most clearly.

This forum has been so important to me. Thanks so much to you all. I'm not sure what I would do without it.

Lawyer up mate. Make sure she doesn't do you over on the outs. Strength your way.

I'd ask my shrink for advice. That's a good idea.

That blows if it is what it looks like, but sometimes you learn things like that and they give you some clarity about the future. I'm not being glib--it is still shitty and painful.

bigc wrote: Fri Dec 02, 2022 3:58 pmIt's just really fucked up that it's her deceased Uncle's best friend.

Would it be better if it was some random guy?

ChudFusk wrote: Sat Dec 03, 2022 2:49 am

bigc wrote: Fri Dec 02, 2022 3:58 pmIt's just really fucked up that it's her deceased Uncle's best friend.

Would it be better if it was some random guy?

Might well be the place for that Q, but I don't think it's the time. Step back eh?

A_Man_Who_Tries wrote: Sat Dec 03, 2022 5:09 am

ChudFusk wrote: Sat Dec 03, 2022 2:49 am

bigc wrote: Fri Dec 02, 2022 3:58 pmIt's just really fucked up that it's her deceased Uncle's best friend.

Would it be better if it was some random guy?

Might well be the place for that Q, but I don't think it's the time. Step back eh?

If FM bigc feels that way then let him answer for himself.

There is a difference between going to someone familiar for comfort versus a stranger for escapism. While at this moment it might not feel different to bigc either way, over time he is going to (and probably already is) hyper-analyze every aspect of this situation, and in time that difference may not be inconsequential.

FM bigc, I think it's in your best interests to prepare yourself for the worst in every way throughout this. I don't mean go on the offensive, but protect yourself as best you can. As someone said you may need to seek legal counsel soon, but also psychological and emotional support. I think you said you were seeing a counselor together, but you need one just for you if you don't already. At this point any good-faith efforts you make to try to work things out could be fruitless and leave you feeling unappreciated and unprepared to take care of yourself. It seems like you are doing everything you can to maintain stability and that's great, but remember you don't have to be brave through this. Let yourself feel all the emotions now, because there's no point in saving any for later.

Ok...

Looking this over?

Depending on a particular detail, it kind of feels like there could be something else going on here. Not sure, but I'm going to point it out anyway.

This family member of hers that passed around July. Are the uncle and this guy in the same general corner of her life as the person that passed?

If so, I think that could explain some of the serious uptick in phone time.

Not a lock, but the possibility did hit me reading it over.