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You seem like a decent guy. The sooner you have a conversation with her, the better for both. After that you'll know if there's a chance to fix it. It is always worth the effort.

And if it cannot be fixed... it's not the end of the world. My cousin found the love of his life in his mid 50's, after being "dumped" by his wife of the last 25 years. Never seen him happier than now.

The man she is in constant contact with is her Uncle's best friend. The timing of the calls indicates to me that, while it may be that the relationship began out of mutual comfort, it has evolved well past that after nearly five months. There are calls at 6:30 AM, calls after 11 PM, and many, many calls that last for over 30 minutes. There are calls immediately before and after our last couples therapy appointment (we only went to four and then stopped), and calls immediately after the last time we hung out. What's more, all of their daily calls stop completely the day after Thanksgiving, when I believe she traveled to FL to be with him after Thanksgiving day, and pick back up the following Tuesday. It's just too much for me to dismiss or try to explain away, and is in keeping with some of her slightly odd behavior (keeping her phone close at hand, taking her lingerie with her on trips to handle her Uncle's business).

I am in solo therapy now, but have only been to one appointment thus far. It's the same therapist I saw nearly 20 years ago, so we've been able to get right to my issues without having to spend too much time on my personal history. I have an appointment on Wednesday AM when I plan to discuss the best way to handle this new info, the best way to talk to her about it, and the best way for me to deal with it internally. I am also in the process of getting some attorney referrals so I can be ready to start that process should we get there.

It's been somewhat liberating to have some clarity, but it's also very difficult not to share this info with friends, since I would benefit greatly from their comfort and care. But I do feel like I need some certainty before sharing that kind of info with people. I have told my immediate family and one close friend, so I'm not totally alone.

Thanks again for everyone being so great. And no issues at all with any comments about 'who' she's seeing.

Take care of yourself. Ask yourself what you most want to do now: if more clarity would help you in various ways, then I would not hesitate to get as complete a picture as you can as soon as possible, to have full agency and continue to act, as you seem to have created some great momentum for yourself by seeking counsel and support. Cultivate the feeling that "it can be sloppy", like you don't have to do things perfectly, neither of you is perfect in the end, and you don't have to cling to ideas of how things "should be done" ideally. Meaning here, in a concrete sense, you do not have to confront her in person. You can simply write an email today stating plainly "this situation was revealed to me, I didn't go looking, and I am left with a lot of questions and I would like to hear your version of things". If you are not satisfied with the explanation and trust has been severely damaged, you are free to talk about your own feelings and your own take on the situation with whoever you like, they're yours, if you do it respectfully, and you sound like the sort of guy who makes a great effort to conduct himself that way.

I am mentally exhausted, and profoundly depressed. The exhaustion is the killer of the two.

bigc wrote: Mon Dec 05, 2022 8:48 am I have an appointment on Wednesday AM when I plan to discuss the best way to handle this new info, the best way to talk to her about it, and the best way for me to deal with it internally.

Let me first say that I'm sorry you're going through all of this. It's a tough spot to be in. I've been there twice, although my relationships were this has happened were each 6 years long, not 26. I think getting help from your therapist on how to approach the phone calls is a good idea. I can tell you from experience if she isn't cheating and you come at it from that angle i's going to make things worse, much worse. And it might even push her in that direction. I think it's probably okay to ask why your data is all used up though. See what she says. Leave it at that until your therapist provides some coaching.

This is going to sound corny, but the only real way back to intimacy is somewhat starting over. All of the conversations in the world aren't going to get you there if you don't start "dating" her again. Don't get me wrong, those conversations are important. But one can't intellectualize themselves back to intimacy. Hopefully you find a way back to being able to do that. I'll be routing for you. Hang in there.

A_Man_Who_Tries wrote: Wed Dec 28, 2022 2:21 pm I am mentally exhausted, and profoundly depressed. The exhaustion is the killer of the two.

They go hand in hand, in my experience. My only advice is to set up some kind of routine that involves seeing sunlight early in the day, some for of exercise early in the day, and some kind of human connection. The first two things will make it more likely that you'll be able to sleep, and the latter will keep you grounded in humanity.

But I know that's not always easy, or possible, even.

bigc wrote: Thu Dec 29, 2022 12:56 pm They go hand in hand, in my experience. My only advice is to set up some kind of routine that involves seeing sunlight early in the day, some for of exercise early in the day, and some kind of human connection. The first two things will make it more likely that you'll be able to sleep, and the latter will keep you grounded in humanity.

But I know that's not always easy, or possible, even.

Unfortunately, this is the state with all of the routine and possible self-care up and running.

tommy wrote: Thu Dec 29, 2022 9:19 am Let me first say that I'm sorry you're going through all of this. It's a tough spot to be in. I've been there twice, although my relationships were this has happened were each 6 years long, not 26. I think getting help from your therapist on how to approach the phone calls is a good idea. I can tell you from experience if she isn't cheating and you come at it from that angle i's going to make things worse, much worse. And it might even push her in that direction. I think it's probably okay to ask why your data is all used up though. See what she says. Leave it at that until your therapist provides some coaching.

This is going to sound corny, but the only real way back to intimacy is somewhat starting over. All of the conversations in the world aren't going to get you there if you don't start "dating" her again. Don't get me wrong, those conversations are important. But one can't intellectualize themselves back to intimacy. Hopefully you find a way back to being able to do that. I'll be routing for you. Hang in there.

We got together and talked last Tuesday. We hadn't seen each other or talked in 5 weeks, aside from email and the occasional text. We hugged long and tight, and talked for a couple of hours before going out to dinner. She told me that she's still very confused about what she wants, and is having a difficult time without me in her life. She also said that she doesn't want to come home 'right now', and that we can't go back to the way things used to be between us - and that when she left she thought there was little chance for reconciliation, but she sees how well I'm doing, and is reconsidering that. She seems very torn up and confused. The conversation was good, and felt open and honest. I felt free telling her the things that I thought she had contributed to the situation, and things that I thought would need to be different should we get back together. It felt good, and she seemed really happy to see me. I was really happy to see her.

We went to dinner after we talked, and I asked if she had been leaning on anyone, or talking to anyone in particular. She said 'no'. I must have been visibly uncomfortable, because she said my entire demeanor changed after that brief exchange. I went to the bathroom to breathe and collect myself, and came back to say 'We ran out of data, and I see that you've been talking to someone for hours a day for five months now, and I need to know if that's part of why we are where we are'. She seemed shocked, and confessed that she had been talking to X a lot because they were both having a hard time losing my Uncle, and he was a good person to talk to about everything that's been going on, but she understood why I had assumed the worst. It was the first time she's ever lied to me, but I was satisfied with her response. Dude just doesn't make any sense as a romantic interest for her, but grief will make people do crazy shit. I just have to give her the benefit of the doubt after 26 years. If she's having an affair, I'll find out eventually, I guess. I just have to trust her for now.

She came by our house again on Saturday to drop off some cookies. We hugged for a long time, she said 'I sure do like you', and seemed to want to kiss me. Lots of body language to that effect. We talked for a while about how weird the holidays apart have been, and when we parted ways she asked if she could kiss me, so we smooched. I watched her drive away and felt incredible.

We haven't spoken since then, and I see (just checked for the first time in 10 days - discipline!) that she disabled call logging on her cell phone the day after I talked to her about the calls. We currently have no plans to see each other again, and I'm kind of reeling from drinking too much last week, eating too much sugar and rich foods - the physical comedown is really amplifying the return of the relationship depression and confusion. No idea where we go from here...so...begin again, I guess.

I, too, am exhausted.

Best wishes bigc.

enframed wrote: Thu Dec 29, 2022 3:04 pm Best wishes bigc.

Thanks, yo. Sorry for making this my personal blog, everyone, but it's been huge help to be able to vent.