A Brit special!
Cream
Sunshine Of Your Love: I like this song, I give you that. It has the first riff that I ever learned as a brat, and Robert de Niro looks most smoky to the song in
Goodfellaz. And my father would miss you.
So it is with heavy heart that I smite you.
For being one of the first "Supergroups".
For playing very dull improvisations for many long minutes pulling silly faces.
For creating some of those silly faces in the first place - Clapton, I am trying
not to look at you here. The dumb-orgasm mug that launched a billion dumb-orgasm mugs, all leaning back with their eyes closed as they fiddle with their instruments. This is bad for babies' eyes. Begone.
For the cult of Clapton, the many guitarists who followed, all soloing as if they wanted to be thrown fish,
as Rimbaud III eloquently put it.
And leading on from that, all subsequent Eruptions, and the covers of almost any guitar magazine ever printed.
For squandering the all-too brief moments of glorious noise and aggression that I heard on whatever live album my father played me in the car.
And for being so serious in committing all of these bad things.
Angus Jung gave me this insight into this badness:
Angus Jung wrote:There's a semi-famous quote from Clapton where he said that he was playing a show, I forget if it was with Cream or Derek and the Dominoes or Blind Faith or what, and he was tripping on acid and "every time I played something loud, the audience's faces looked like devils, and every time I did something softer, they turned into angels. I decided I liked playing to angels better." Something like that. Anyway, to me that explains everything.
Shame on your cowardice! Away!
The Jam
You are the easiest on this list. I have no sentiment for you, apart from a fondness for
That's Entertainment. But to live without that song is perfectly achievable. I need not change my daily habits so much to lose that song.
In three syllables: Paul Weller.
Your voice and the touch of mockney has been a consistent irritating influence in indie bar bands that I keep being exposed to.
Likewise, some of your more cheap ska-like inflections.
You made
Wild Wood.
You brought out the worst trad rock mannerisms in Noel Gallagher, whose band occasionally showed some rocket fueled cocaine brilliance.
Dad Rock, daddio.
Disappear, foul progenitor!
The Stone Roses
This is the hardest, because I love you greatly, your first album is still one of my favourites, ever since I was a mucky moody teenager.
But so much bad has come from you! So many British bands now try to live up to your own unique cockiness, but without your class. There was only one Ian Brown, but a million Liam Gallaghers, all as dumb and arrogant as their neighbour. I went to school with your progeny, I know how corrosive such misplaced self-belief in being a Star can be.
How tired and sad am I when I see yet another bunch of fresh faces stating with bright eyes how they are "the best" and that they "really
mean it, man." Confident Mancunians, you created this poor children.
I thought that your first record was exquisite. Delicately balanced, it brought to mind nostalgic glories, but was not itself nostalgic or retrogressive. I tip my imaginary hat to you for this mean trick. It sounded like magic to this youngster...
But it encouraged the mud-brained pillage of '60's novelty that engulfed British music in the '90's. Your well-imagined licks were hamfistedly transformed into porridge by your wannabe followers.
The Stone Roses, I am sorry: smitten.
