I've had a few intended slam-dunks that showed how clueless the reviewers were:

"Traces of Hüsker Dü can be found, but the heavily chorused guitar strongly evoked the sound of The Police." [I did record the whole thing with a Tele, but never chorus. The only long, ringing chords I did on that album are neck-bended and sound more like Kevin Shields than Andy Summers. Buy some records, fuckknob.]

"This record was 'recorded on a four-track in my girlfriend's basement,' and it sounds like it." [Ooooooh, burn. Sebadoh III and Bee Thousand had already been out a few years by then... geez, dude, you bought any records lately?]

A few that actually stung:

"At their best, this band cranks out Gang Of Four/Comsat Angels-ish rock. [Finally, a reviewer who owns more than 5 records.] The band slips into patches of mediocrity, but the lead guitar keeps things strong. [I'd rather get some full-on hate than be told I just put out a bland guitar wanker record. OUCH!]

"This record could do without any of side two." [Ouch, because that was true.]