itchy mcgoo, re: Angus Jung's Mom wrote:That's story as I heard it, bout her quest for girth
And the shit that went down
On the day of your birth.
that's not how it goes, let me tell it again,
it started way back, in the year 1910:
From the iciest depths of the watery deep
came the 'Monyster',
the demon.
the 'Shei-La Behemoth'
that swallowed up seamen
and haunted their sleep
At nocturne, in bed where the children, asleep
would all wake up screaming from dreaming that sheep
were stuffed into her box by the flocks just to keep
the vile liquid that seeped from her staining the streets
and the shrieks of the sacrificed children she'd eat
One day when the village had had had enough
they gathered their brawniest sailors, so tough
"last time she took on three hundred men"
said the mayor: "this time we'll send three-thousand and ten."
Like the fair face of Helen of Troy from before,
Sheila's scare face launched a thousand cold sores
the men they grew barnacles as they fought the beast
and recalled later on, "
the pungent odour of yeaste"
Finally, when the largest harpoon did no damage
they decided to stun her with "battering rammage"
the men steered her with oars and beached her ashore
it was
then that she showed up in Oakland, not 'fore
It's 1911, by my accounts sure
Sheila has just washed up on the shore
she's tired, but horny, away from her home:
the depths of the ocean, where the serpentine roam
but what would ha'p next was beyond comprehension
that led to her greatest achievement: profession
legitimized by the followed event:
there appeared on the beach front, a scouting agent
he saw what a sight he describes now as "grand"
this arena-sized she-whale lain down in the sand
as the waves lapped against her, he silently planned
to help out his ball team to fill up the stands
And so Sheila began to entertain mooks
that sat in the bleachers, the "sports-fan type kooks"
out she'd be wheeled-an inhuman shield
blocking garbage and bottles from pelting the field
see the ball team from oakland was so filled with shame
that the folks from the city had forgotten their name
three decades of sports without one single hit
no 'byes', no 'leaves' no single 'forfeit'
but something then changed, that year on the mound
three decades of losses began to turn round
It was slow when it started, too slow to react thus
but apparently Sheila helped these men practice
Every day, for their training they surely were taught
how to "run all the bases" without getting caught
I'm sorry to give you a horrifying image
but this is what happened when Oakland would 'scrimmage':
First off, the stadium was not writ home about
so they loaded the men into her 'dugout'
and there they could hide from the hot glaring sun
and focus on playing and having some fun
And though the boys' dugout gave off such a stench
They set up a cooler, a fence and a bench
it felt just like home, some men soon remarked
and soon they were balls flying out of her park
they'd lead off from first base and then they'd steal third
they'd slid into home plate without being deterred
their defense, their offense, they thusly improved
and the team started scoring, so they were behooved
they soon got creative and made a spittoon
when they kept what was left from the hysterectomy wound
"at your cervix!" they'd laugh and fill up the coose
of the nastiest mascot with tobacco juice
The teams in the league didn't know what had happened
but the stands soon were packed, and the people were clapping
and hooting and cheering and waving their flags
and leering at Sheila's fleshy funbags
the team made the finals, just one game left
in a seven-game series, of swiftness and deft
ballplayers they claimed they came to this game
through the magic of Sheila, yet they still had no name
In the bottom of nine, the bases were loaded
the ballplayers' dreaming of praises exploded
when out from the backlot, like nothing before
came a gargled and horrified vomitous roar
the teams paused the game to see what was up
they found Sheila back there, Ass Down and Belly-Up
It seems that her arteries finally clogged
when she agreed to be paid solely in ball park hot dogs
thought saddened they were, they stayed the course straight
they hammered a home-run-4 slides past the plate
and as they received trophies and had pictures taken
the manager stepped up to the mic and spoke, shaken:
"She was our mascot
She was our Team
She was our whole damned arena
you see?"
they dug up the green and put her under the mound
Just how Sheila was found- buried face down
this story is true. I'll tell you, today:
in tribute, they named the team after her "A".