After hitting a low point early in the year I decided to try (online) therapy again for the first time in a long time, and anti-depressants for the first time ever. With the former, I feel like they tell you things you already know (that aren't necessarily helpful) and with the latter all I notice is side effects. I don't expect anything to come from sharing this, just venting out of frustration and I will keep trying because the alternative is worse.

@ FMpenningtron I've mentioned on here before that before I quit drinking but after my mental health got really fucked up, I wound up taking an SSRI for anxiety and depression. The first few weeks were suboptimal (depression, stomach pain, difficulty eating, etc) but I also kept drinking, which makes me an unreliable control.

They worked after a couple of weeks. Then a few months later they didn't work as well, so we changed the dose. Did this a few times, then I sobered up, and have been very slowly coming off of them. Am down from 40mg/day to 5mg/day now, and will hopefully decrease to 0 soon.

It's a process, there's trial and error, and it's not fun. But once it helped me, it was like someone returned my normal functioning brain to me so I could operate clearly and see more than just what was going wrong in life. I want to re-iterate - they helped me a lot.

The side effects suck. Weight gain and a totally lowered sex drive - if it weren't for these I'd have no reason to get off of them, but I def think they were a valuable tool I needed to have at my disposal for a few years to ride out a very, very choppy wave.

I know others have other experiences, but that's mine. Pulling for you.

Frankie99 wrote: It's a process, there's trial and error, and it's not fun. But once it helped me, it was like someone returned my normal functioning brain to me so I could operate clearly and see more than just what was going wrong in life. I want to re-iterate - they helped me a lot.

Thanks. Yeah, side effects were unbearable at first (especially the nightmares/sleep disruption) but I lowered the dosage and now I can at least function again. The frustrating part is I don't know when or even if positive effects will begin, and I asked the therapist who said "well they don't really make things better, you just feel worse if you don't take them". Which is like.. ohhhkay. I will say I've mostly avoided 'other stuff' during this process which is what you're supposed to do, except that 'other stuff' made life bearable sometimes so that's been tricky as well. But I'll keep trying: extra hard in the next few weeks as I'm alone here and at the tail end of crappy winter still.

It's certainly not a total fix, but I found some of the advice in this podcast very helpful.

penningtron wrote: Wed Mar 29, 2023 10:28 am

Frankie99 wrote: It's a process, there's trial and error, and it's not fun. But once it helped me, it was like someone returned my normal functioning brain to me so I could operate clearly and see more than just what was going wrong in life. I want to re-iterate - they helped me a lot.

Thanks. Yeah, side effects were unbearable at first (especially the nightmares/sleep disruption) but I lowered the dosage and now I can at least function again. The frustrating part is I don't know when or even if positive effects will begin, and I asked the therapist who said "well they don't really make things better, you just feel worse if you don't take them". Which is like.. ohhhkay. I will say I've mostly avoided 'other stuff' during this process which is what you're supposed to do, except that 'other stuff' made life bearable sometimes so that's been tricky as well. But I'll keep trying: extra hard in the next few weeks as I'm alone here and at the tail end of crappy winter still.

Yeah, my experience was different. Primarily related to anxiety, but the difference was very pronounced to me. I was no longer unnaturally afraid of all the possible things that could be lurking around the corner. Joko describes it (kinda) as not getting caught up in the interminable vortices of life while traveling the path.

I was no longer obsessed what what could go wrong and could do regular ass shit again without issue.

I think for me the depression was a symptom of anxiety and not the inverse, but that's a complex relationship I'm not equipped to tackle for anyone else.

I hope you have the objective signs that help tell you things are getting better. For me it was being able to do a couple of routine things that my anxiety had been preventing me from doing, and then things just kind of opened up from there.

SSRIs were very useful for me for a year and a half. Gave my brain a much-needed break and helped me regain equilibrium. Gained some weight, was generally less motivated to do things, but also less distracted by the hamster wheel in my head.

First attempt to taper off wasn't great--not horrible, just uncomfortable. Second one was fine.

Talk therapy, some spot EMDR, and half-assedly sitting zazen did (and do) the lasting work, which has led to getting enough exercise and sleep, which go hand in hand towards creating a more healthy existence overall.

Sounds like all of the SSRIs are different, and if one doesn't work for you, another one might. I do not think they are a cure-all. I do think they can help slow things down in a good way.

I need to whole assedly meditate rather than just the 30 seconds or so I manage to do when I'm like "Oh shit, is the the start of the first real panic attack in months?"

Frankie99 wrote: Wed Mar 29, 2023 12:41 pm I need to whole assedly meditate rather than just the 30 seconds or so I manage to do when I'm like "Oh shit, is the the start of the first real panic attack in months?"

Do you have a method? I've been using the Waking Up app and really like it.

bigc wrote: Wed Mar 29, 2023 12:45 pm

Frankie99 wrote: Wed Mar 29, 2023 12:41 pm I need to whole assedly meditate rather than just the 30 seconds or so I manage to do when I'm like "Oh shit, is the the start of the first real panic attack in months?"

Do you have a method? I've been using the Waking Up app and really like it.

Have used both Calm and the other onetm so far. Have taken lessons learned from that and a couple of books to try to ground/re-center. Not exactly a repeatable process like it should be.

In my case it's been generic Wellbutrin, which isn't an SSRI I don't think. The effect of the first (too large) dosage almost felt like mushrooms, until the shitty parts kicked in. Everyone else I know who've taken it had universally positive things to say about it (and of course there was an FM here named that) so I'll give it more of a chance

This Huberman podcast is interesting. Aside from the stuff that's too technical for my needs this is more of what I thought I'd learn in talk therapy.