Premier Rock Forum

Maurice wrote: just don't try to get married.

My mom had a dream once that she married Billy Joel. She didn't even know who he was, but weeks later she saw him on tv or something and was like "OMG, that's the guy I'm supposed to marry, who is he? Ewwww." Ewww.

Justin from Queens wrote:This is the easiest one ever. Ever ever ever.

This is easier than "The Communards". This is easier than "Air Supply, Reunited". This is even easier than "Air Supply playing the song 'Reunited'".

Billy Joel almost deserves his own game. The game should be - "yeah, that's bad, but Billy Joel is worse."

Worse than Burzum.
Worse than the last incarnation of Menudo.
Worse than RaHoWa.

You can't come up with anything worse than Billy Joel. It's terrible beyond terrible that I have ever heard one of his songs, much less know how to hum it. That in itself is a wide sweeping, irrefutable damnation of the music industry. "What's wrong with commercial entertainment, you curmudgeon?" "Billy Joel."

I've got to stop typing now. I've got to go do something else for a bit. I'm compelled to go on and on, but I shouldn't. This started as fun, but now I'm getting angry.

There's a windshield out there, somewhere, that will sever his gurgling jugular and bring an end to this awfulness. I hope that they're installing it right now on some overpriced Maybach, set for speedy delivery to Long Island, USA. I hope that car sails off the LIE soon, just outside of King's Park. I also hope that in his last drunken death throes, flailing about, his knee smacks the radio. In this pleasant fantasy, the radio scans to WFMU, playing the Merzbox end to end. I would like Mr. Joel to listen to this as the car catches fire and his wife's plastic tits begin to melt.

= Justin

Bravo. I weighed in on Billy Joel--a CRAP vote--and I qualified and hemmed and hawed a little. But no, Justin's post is good; it's right. This stuff should make us angry. We don't need to apologize for Billy Joel, or throw it on the altar of "catchy." He's CRAP, we all know it, and it should make us angry. Fuck 'im. Lets move on.

I can't believe there was almost some form of debate on this.
In California I understand there is a "3 strikes and you are out" rule, with regard to certain crimes. Is this true?
If so, Piano Man, Uptown Girl and We Didn't Start The Fire. Take this mofo down!

Absolute Crap.

Crap at all times and hilarious when he's trying to be a badass, a la "Big Shot" and especially "You May Be Right."

When I think of Billy Joel, I think of my Dad playing _Storm Front_ end to end on various occasions. I remember hearing "We Didn't Start The Fire" blaring from the bathroom. I didn't even like this guy as a kid. Crappy dappy dap.

Anyone who would write "making love to his tonic & gin" just to save the rhyme is the the most egregious species of hack. It's a fucking gin and tonic, Billy. Ever been to a goddamn bar?

See also "lookin' for my lost shaker of salt," in "Margaritaville," which is arguably even worse. Now compare those two abominations to this: "And if you're lookin' to get silly / You better go back to from where you came."

"Piano Man" is the second-worst song ever recorded, "bested" only by "American Pie."

That is all.

Are you ready for the list of "artists" I hate more than Billy Joel? Fear not, it is very brief:

The Eagles
Jewel

Brett Eugene Ralph wrote: It's a fucking gin and tonic, Billy. Ever been to a goddamn bar?

Mr. Joel's driving record indicates the affirmative on that one. So CRAP as a driver too.

Intern_8033 wrote:If you actually knew anything about Billy beyond the elitist rhetoric you spew in your little jaded circles of isolated assholes, you would know that he was conscious of the quirkiness of this lyric when he wrote it.

Show me a song you wrote that's better than piano man and then you can complain.

I don't know what makes it "elitist rhetoric" to point out a bad line in a bad song. Is it elitist to want the music you consume to be good? Then I'm a card-carrying elistist!

And I don't think being "conscious of the quirkiness" gets Bill off the hook. One of the things I hate most about the post-modern mindset (not that I think Billy Joel is "post-modern" or anything) is the notion that, if you're conscious of something, all bets are off. Look: if you wrote a shitty song and are aware of it and were being all ironic and shit, you still wrote a shitty song.

For the record, when I was an ignorant youth, I owned two or three Billy Joel records, and I even recall enjoying them somewhat. But when I matured beyond the level of hackneyed Romanticism and boozy self-absorption, I got that shit out of my life.

I also don't think one has to have written better songs than someone in order to validly critique that person's work. I criticize the weather even though I can't "make" it; I criticize Louisville basketball players although my game is passable at best. I criticize women's looks although I am neither a female not particularly "pretty." Big fucking deal! Opinions are like assholes, and everyone's stinks but yours. Asshole.

In closing, I'd venture to say that I've written many, many songs better than "Piano Man," but artistic merit is, of course, wholly subjective, so who's to say in the end? I think it's a pretty safe bet, though, that I've never written a line as bad as that "tonic & gin" groaner, and that includes when I was sixteen and singing in hardcore bands.

I have found that the key to enjoying Billy Joel is to imagine every one of his songs as White Flag or Adrenaline OD or a band of that ilk would play it. Not Crap because every one of his songs would be an awesome punk tune.
Peace!