you have to read it to believe it...heres part of it...
"so i'm duming you for a strokes fan i met on makeoutclub.com. his name is jeremy. he smokes and he doesn't like the atari star. thats all you really need to know."

review
if you have a few minutes i invite you to laugh at my expense. if the link doesn't work go to pitchforkmedia.com and search for the atari star. have a nice afternoon.

This is one of the "can't tell whether it's good or bad" variety:

...the CD seems like it’s been smuggled out of a Sudanese prison by a socioethnomusicologist for Amnesty International...

[/quote]

i think you win, rob v. that's going to be tough to beat.

on a related note, someone on that website began a record review like this:

Inevitably, at some point in late summer, the landscape becomes vaguely obscene: August air gets thick and throbbing, heavy with a richness that's almost menacing. The sun hovers, uncomfortably plump. Lawn crickets yawn and twitter in double speed, their collective whispers slowly spinning into a single, disembodied howl. Everything else turns way too green.

i want to murder whomever's responsible, with a richness that's very menacing indeed.

al quint wrote a hilarious horrible review of a band i was in, but i can't find it. i remember he insulted one of our moms.

aaron wrote:Inevitably, at some point in late summer, the landscape becomes vaguely obscene: August air gets thick and throbbing, heavy with a richness that's almost menacing. The sun hovers, uncomfortably plump. Lawn crickets yawn and twitter in double speed, their collective whispers slowly spinning into a single, disembodied howl. Everything else turns way too green.

Sounds about right for Pitchfork. Don't get me started on them again!

http://www.electrical.com/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=928

stewie wrote:

aaron wrote:Inevitably, at some point in late summer, the landscape becomes vaguely obscene: August air gets thick and throbbing, heavy with a richness that's almost menacing. The sun hovers, uncomfortably plump. Lawn crickets yawn and twitter in double speed, their collective whispers slowly spinning into a single, disembodied howl. Everything else turns way too green.

Sounds about right for Pitchfork. Don't get me started on them again!

http://www.electrical.com/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=928

I have zero sympathy for the obscenely purple prose above, but man, writing record reviews can really be a ball-buster, especially for bands that just dont make that much of an impact. I mean, writing a "this record sucks" review is super easy, and an "I love this record" review is only a little harder, but a "this record didnt offend or inspire in any measurable way" review is like climbing a mountain made of melting ice without any fingers or toes. Except way harder.

So yeah, if you write enough of these it can become real easy to get all excited about your adjectives and images and forget about the music, especially if the music's kinda forgettable on its own. Or, on the other hand, if youre so wound around your own shit that youve somehow forgotten youre supposed to be reviewing a record. Either way.

The (I'm guessing) lone reviewer here,
Greg

I tend to agree:

"Fuck reviews. Reviews don't really matter. You can't believe 'em when they fuckin' praise you, and you can't believe 'em when they criticize you."
-- Neil Young

This is my first (and worst) review:

MattW
Catharsis (4/10)

There's not much one can say about Matt W. and his quiet album Catharsis. I had a friend who wrote a song called "Catharsis" and he gave that song beautiful climaxes and emotional waves--and he didn't have to sing a word. Aristotle would have a hard time finding Matt W.'s Catharsis to be cleansing or purifying. This is just a burned CD, with no biography, art or message attached to it. There's not much to Catharsis; there is very little drama and a whole lot of acoustic guitar dancing quietly just below Matt's wavering voice. Matt needs to find a good band that's looking for a singer and jump into the mix. His voice is nice, but I feel that there's so much more he can do with it other than the limited vocal range and restricted tempo changes of Catharsis.


I love it!!!

mattw wrote:I tend to agree:

"Fuck reviews. Reviews don't really matter. You can't believe 'em when they fuckin' praise you, and you can't believe 'em when they criticize you."
-- Neil Young

I agree too. I never write reviews for the band; I assume that they know what theyre doing, even if their record or performance doesnt sound so much like they do. Artists shouldnt bother reading their own reviews, and that goes doubly for anyone who might be inclined to take them seriously or react to them by changing or rethinking what they do. No reviewer has as good an idea of what youre trying to do as you do. Reviews are for everyone else, the folks who have no idea what youre trying to do.

Naturalmente, reading them, these reviews of your discos compacto, for the many, many loud smiles they give to you with the tears that come running down your face; she is molto, molto bene.

My favorite was from Robothouse.org

They were pretty good, but nothing special.

or from Razorcake. Jimmy Alvarado says:

This is loud rock/punk with a singer that sounds plenty pissed off. Oh, they're from Bellingham. That makes sense. I've been there. I feel your pain, boys.

A friends' band got a review in MRR that was something along the lines of:

At least Bad Religion put out a couple of great albums before turning into straight-up mall punk.

OUCH!

the best reviews are the ones on garage band dot com.
we had several telling us to turn up the vocals, add more vocals, go to a REAL recording studio, clean up the recording, drums sound like they were recorded in a bedroom, songs dont make any sense...all kinds of fun things that we should do to improve ourselves and our music...or something.

alexdamon wrote:the best reviews are the ones on garage band dot com.
we had several telling us to turn up the vocals, add more vocals, go to a REAL recording studio, clean up the recording, drums sound like they were recorded in a bedroom, songs dont make any sense...all kinds of fun things that we should do to improve ourselves and our music...or something.

OH MAN! I totally forgot about garageband.com. I have two bands up there. Every review is either "Turn up the vocals," or "I can't understand the words." My voice gets compared to Rage Against The Machine A LOT! Now I know how Cedric Bixler feels.

So you know what caliber of reviews one gets on garageband.com:

Where is the punk?
1 - Performance: good performance it is played well.

2 - Mood: does not give a punkish mood, though the the mood is good.

3 - Rhythm: good rhytm but not a punk rhytm.

I think this song is definetly not punk but not a bad song, if you like early 90' s alternative. wrong category!

ehhh.
good musicians but boring music... I`m not impressed by the wannabe Hives/ Turbonegro sound on this track. no erection here

Ehhhh.. NO
Nice guitar work. Sounds kind of old school. I dont care for the vocals they are micked weird, maybe thats how you wanted it?/ Im not sure, I wouldnt mind seeing you guys live though...

This one is one of my favorites.

Why be reveiwed by punk people?
You can only hope to be trashed, and i like all kinds of music, but you are alternative rock...not punk...so as far as a punk band you get an F because it seems you dont know whats going on..at least with this song.

as an alternative band, it seems as if you can decide what you want to do with a asong... lets be punk...lets be old school...lets scream... nothing exciting. sorry

cool drums
it is almost like listing to offspring mixed with rage.but it is real hard core.

I really enjoy bumming out kids who are listening to the songs expecting skate-rock.