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out loud:

Shakespeare walks into a pub. Barman goes "Sorry sir, you're barred."


Bloke walks into a pub. Van Gogh is sitting at the bar. Bloke goes, "Oi, Van Gogh! Do you want a drink?"
Van Gogh replies: "No, it's alright. I've got one 'ere."

So, a proton walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Say, did I leave my sunglasses here yesterday?" Bartender replies, "No, I haven't seen 'em. Are you sure you left them here?" Proton says, "Yeah, I'm positive."

A bloke walks into a pub on his own and orders 3 pints of guiness and goes and sits in the corner by himself.

Once a week he comes back and does the same thing, everytime buying 3 pints of guiness. So the barman asks him one day why he always orders 3. The bloke tells him "Well my brothers and me all agreed that if we couldnt get together, we'd all have a drink for each other."

A few weeks go by and he continues to come in and order 3 drinks.

Then one day he comes in and says "Two pints of guiness please."

The barman says "Oh no, did something happen to one of your brothers?"

The bloke says "Nah, he's on antibiotics."

Rotten Tanx wrote:The bloke says "Nah, he's on antibiotics."

Shouldn't that be, "Nah, I'm on antibiotics"?

stewie wrote:

Rotten Tanx wrote:The bloke says "Nah, he's on antibiotics."

Shouldn't that be, "Nah, I'm on antibiotics"?

Shouldn't it be, "Nah, I quit drinking"?

XBangyrdead wrote:

stewie wrote:

Rotten Tanx wrote:The bloke says "Nah, he's on antibiotics."

Shouldn't that be, "Nah, I'm on antibiotics"?

Shouldn't it be, "Nah, I quit drinking"?

Shouldn't it be, "Nah, I'm Franz Ferdinand"?

Ok ok, here goes. Classic English, Scotsman and Irishman joke:

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar and sit down. The Englishman says, "I'll bet you both I can get a free drink out of that barman"

They accept, and he goes to the bar. He shouts to the barman, "OI! BASTARD! GET ME A PINT!".

The barman thumps him, and the Englishman picks himself up. "What was that for," he asks, "I called you a bar steward!" The barman apologises and gives the Englishman a free drink for the injury.

The Scotsman says, "that's brilliant, I'll try that", and does the same thing. "OI! BASTARD! GET ME A PINT!".

The barman thumps him, and the Scotsman picks himself up. "What was that for," he asks, "I called you a bar steward!" The barman apologises and gives him a free drink.

Comes back. The Irishman goes, "Arr, dat's grand, I'm gonna try dat miself!"

Walks up to the bar - "OI! WANKER!"

Courtesy of Jeff Mitchell:

So, a bear walks into a bar in Boise, ID and he sits down and orders a beer. The bartender tells the bear. "Hey, I'd like to serve you, but we don't serve beer to bears at bars in Boise."

The bear is pissed. "Oh, yeah? If you don't get me a beer, I'll go fuck up your pinball machine!"

The bartender says, "No. I'm sorry. It's against the law to serve beer to bears at bars in Boise."

So, the bear lets out a mighty roar and destroys the pinball machine and says. "Okay. Now how about that beer?" The bartender says, "No, I can't! It's against the law to serve beer to bears at bars in Boise."

The bear is even more pissed. "Okay, see that guy sitting over there? I'll fucking eat him!"

The bartender says, "No! You can't eat Pete, he's one of our best customers!"

The bear goes over and tears off Pete's head, blood flying everywhere, the whole nine yars. "AAAAAARGH! I WANT A FUCKING BEER!"

"We don't serve beer to bears at bars in Boise."

"Okay," says the bear, "I'm going to eat that broad at the end of the bar." So, sure enough, the bear goes over there and tears off her head, and starts eating her. When he's done, he walks back up to the bartender and says, "One beer please."

The bartender says. "No. I can't. We don't serve drug addicts."

"I'm not a drug addict! I'm a fucking BEAR!"

The bartender says, "Oh yeah? Look at that Bar Bitch You Ate!"

a dyslexic man walks into a bra.