::: wrote:Well that was unpleasant. Note to self: don't go off your meds, if you ever think you should.I'm sorry you had to go through this. Take care.

There's an interesting discussion in another thread about anonymity on this forum. While I agree with the whole standing behind your words thing, I also don't think I could have made this thread without knowing that potential future employers couldn't hold my confessions against me. It's illegal for them to do so, but let's not kid ourselves - the stigma is very real, still.I also do realize the cowardice and counter-intuitive nature of trying to kill stigma from a place of anonymity. Being allowed to freely express myself here has been very important to me and I have tried my damnedest to not be a stupid dick. I stand behind my words but I am not dumb enough to think there wouldn't be consequences for my honesty. The world's a fearful, ignorant place and I don't trust people to be kind and open-minded. So, I hide behind my moniker. I really think it matters less who is saying something than what is being said. We can still have a meaningful conversation and change peoples attitudes without revealing ourselves, I think. Even if the whole point is to change exactly that. It's fucked.Also, I'm having a bad day. It started out great. At my favourite coffee shop, taking things slow. But I stupidly made the mistake of thinking I could handle caffeine. Now i'm fucked. My whole body is shaking and the bad thoughts are feeling powerful. My emotions are out of control. I can feel the tears waiting to pour out. I'll be living off clonazepam and naps today, if I want to function. I'm on a weird cocktail of Prozac, Respiridone, and Wellbutrin. The respiridone is fucking my sex life up and making me fat, so the Wellbutrin is meant to combat that. However, the Respiridone has been very effective at keeping me stable, in concert with Prozac. I asked my Psychiatrist if I could go off it and she said I could slowly try weaning myself off, since it's a low dose. However I can feel the difference. I don't feel right. I feel like I'm coming apart. I'm just talking out loud. I think I'm needing help today, but I don't want to admit it. I want to be able to function normally. I don't want this constant shaking and inner-tornado to be stopping me. My life is already at a stand-still. I've made real progress with the help of my therapist, over the last few months. We're finally starting to delve into the incident that started me down this hellride. But I'm still not there. And it's hard sometimes. I'm not working. I have no idea what I'll be doing with my life now. I can't go back to my old job, according to my evaluations and I don't have many other skills. I'm trying to teach myself things at home. Things I might be interested in, vocationally, but I can't seem to concentrate. Ever. I can't start things. I don't know why. I make a list everyday of things I want to accomplish and can't seem to do it. All I do is fuck around on the internet, jumping around, never focusing. I hate this so much. I'm 41 years old and have no idea about my future. It seems like there's no nothing there.Okay. Today will be a day where I use the tools I've developed over the last 2 years. I will use my meds responsibly, and I will refer to the lists I've made. I've made a list of reasons to live, which really helps me get my mind straight. And, I've made a list of reasons I like myself. Because, the truth is that I hate myself in so many ways. I've always hated myself. So, although it seems silly sometimes, saying the things I like about myself out loud really helps me get straight. I'm talking myself through this now. Sorry. I'm babbling. I don't want to go out of control. Use my tools.Do you have any tools that you have developed in the fight for sanity and calm? I'd like to hear about it.

Pasta wrote:Been struggling pretty hard of late. Ptsd and survivors guilt (cancer). Was drinking to much, working on that. After work today I go to a cancer survivors writing workshop group. Nervous, but, know I need to try something new. Found a shrink. Start seeing her in 2 weeks. Just a lot.Glad you found a shrink, man. It's good to have someone to talk to and give a more healthy perspective. Take care.

I guess I should actually have a shower, eat food, brush my damn teeth, put on clean clothes and basically take care of myself before I send myself off the rails. I can see the signs now - basic self-care ignored and before long the dark thoughts appear and the spiral begins. Going to fix that right now. I want to have a nice weekend, dammit.Take care, friends.

Take care, FD. You've got tools, some days they work, some days they don't. But you are in another place now with those tools and that insight it seems. You feel things and make noise and love people, you're very alive, although uncomfortably so. Much love and respect to you.

Been struggling pretty hard of late. Ptsd and survivors guilt (cancer). Was drinking to much, working on that. After work today I go to a cancer survivors writing workshop group. Nervous, but, know I need to try something new. Found a shrink. Start seeing her in 2 weeks. Just a lot.

FM FRANK DECENT, I'm here in solidarity with you, brother. FM bishop.....Yeah, meds aren't for everyone. But, for some of us they have been life changin/saving. That said they don't help if you don't put in the other work, be it talk therapy, meditation, CBT. But, your apperant shaming of people on meds is not helpful to anyone posting in this thread. Everyones journey to emotional/mental stability is different. Please, be more kind, and open minded to others experiences.

Pasta wrote:FM FRANK DECENT, I'm here in solidarity with you, brother. FM bishop.....Yeah, meds aren't for everyone. But, for some of us they have been life changin/saving. That said they don't help if you don't put in the other work, be it talk therapy, meditation, CBT. But, your apperant shaming of people on meds is not helpful to anyone posting in this thread. Everyones journey to emotional/mental stability is different. Please, be more kind, and open minded to others experiences.i didn't get that vibe from BD. It's just another perspective. In light of recent events, I appreciated it.

Pasta wrote:FM FRANK DECENT, I'm here in solidarity with you, brother. FM bishop.....Yeah, meds aren't for everyone. But, for some of us they have been life changin/saving. That said they don't help if you don't put in the other work, be it talk therapy, meditation, CBT. But, your apperant shaming of people on meds is not helpful to anyone posting in this thread. Everyones journey to emotional/mental stability is different. Please, be more kind, and open minded to others experiences. I agree. I actually am on the autistic spectrum - got diagnosed with Aspergers' Syndrome back in 1999 - and have struggled with bullying and social exclusion throughout my childhood, followed by depression and anxiety for much of my adult life because of it. This was especially true back in the 80s/early 90s when no-one knew what the hell AS was and there was no support available. In those day they just threw you into mainstream education and expected you to sink or swim. Those who couldn't got labelled as lazy, obtuse, socially inept or just plain weird rather than disabled. I also have some traits associated with both ADHD and OCD, which frequently co-occur with Aspergers'.Whilst autistic spectrum disorders are lifelong and - at least currently - incurable, I've found that amitriptyline has been a godsend to me in terms of dealing with the depression. it's the fifth different anti-depressant I've been prescribed and the only one which has ever really worked that well. I no longer get these debilitating moodswings that used to prevent me from functioning beyond the bare minimum requirements anymore, and I can now face up to problems and tackle them head on rather than just becoming overwhelmed and wanting to recluse out whenever something unpleasant happens in my life. It's also enabled me to hold down consistent employment for longer than I've ever been able to in my life before, and I'm fairly well convinced that without it I'd still be an unstable mess. That's why I sometimes get slightly irritated when I come across people IRL who preach blanket condemnation of all psych meds. One of the most common ignorant kneejerk reactions I've heard runs along the lines of "I don't think it's healthy to that you have to take pills every day just to feel normal. Aren't you worried that they might be altering your underlying personality?" To which the answer is "no, you fricking idiot, because the personality I have when I'm on the pills IS my real personality. I'm not a negative person by nature - I've just been through some unlucky shit that's turned my head that way". I really wish more people could understand this, and I also agree that the stigma surrounding mental illness needs to be chipped away. How many more Kurt Cobains and Chris Cornells do we need to lose before people start to realise how many people depression kills?

Having a weird/bad day. Slept till 2pm, which is unusual lately. Didn't take very good care of myself. Practiced for a show we have tomorrow, and that felt good. I didn't really realize something was wrong till about 7pm, after our workout. Exercising helps. I guess this is depression? I don't know anymore. Just couldn't stop stupidly crying for a while. Went skateboarding. That felt really good. Came home and the bad thoughts returned, louder. I have a lot of tools and I should use them but it's hard to do anything. I know I just have to ride this out. It will pass.