He sounds like a shit salesman with a mouthful of samples.
Don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining.

Piss up a rope.

Go shit in your hat and wear it.

My Grampa would say, "You're trying to put ten pounds of shit in a five pound bag."

In lieu of a pep talk when faced with a daunting task, my grandfather would often say, "No problem. We'll get through this like shit through a tin horn".

My buddy's uncle uses "mo-dicker" as an ersatz MFer.

Andy wrote: Tue Jun 22, 2021 12:49 pm "Jesus fucking Christ on a god-damned crutch."

I came back here to write this, and found someone had it before me. “Christ on a crutch” is the abbreviated version I’m used to. Also, “Jesus H Christ”, with an emphasis on the “H”.

Edit: while not an old man phrase (at least, not until I start using it in my dotage), a variation from a childhood in the suburbs of South London: “Fuck on a crutch”.

Rarely my dad uses this one that I like when departing - "Take it easy... but take it."

sparky wrote: Wed Aug 18, 2021 4:56 am

Andy wrote: Tue Jun 22, 2021 12:49 pm "Jesus fucking Christ on a god-damned crutch."

I came back here to write this, and found someone had it before me. “Christ on a crutch” is the abbreviated version I’m used to. Also, “Jesus H Christ”, with an emphasis on the “H”.

Edit: while not an old man phrase (at least, not until I start using it in my dotage), a variation from a childhood in the suburbs of South London: “Fuck on a crutch”.

On a similar note, I always liked "Christ on a bike" and "The world's going to hell in a bloody handcart!", especially when delivered in an Australian accent.

I look forward to hopefully being able to afford a small garden in my dotage, just so that I can say "If that ball comes over my bloody fence again I'll puncture it like a piggy in an abbatoir!"

The first two I know and are lovely. “Piggy in an abattoir” is new to me, and delightfully horrible!

"How ya like THEM apples?"