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I’ve been undergoing esketamine therapy the last couple months and unfortunately it isn’t helping and my depression has been getting steadily worse. Am going to try ECT next on the recommendation of one of my partners who says it has helped her a lot but am still waiting to hear back from my doctors regarding a referral. In the meantime I’ve been struggling like I never have before. I’ve been cycling through extreme anger regarding the universe for being so horrible and sadness at all the suffering in it and hopelessness that things will get better barring the end of the world. I have to push myself so hard just to get out of bed and I’ve finding less and less enjoyment out of making and listening to music. Pretty much the only thing that reliably gives me joy is spending time with my loved ones but I’m struggling to pull myself out of depression for even that and I’m scared that they’ll leave me as I become less active and interesting to be around. I’m struggling financially and have been fighting for disability income for almost 8 years now, with a third hearing coming up next week after having been denied by judges twice since I first applied years ago. I’m so tired of it all. To top it off I’ve been struggling with long covid this entire year and I just started coming down with yet another cough and I’ve been hacking my lungs out as I’ve been crying while typing this. I have the means to kill myself but I don’t want to hurt my loved ones and I feel trapped. I’m in so much pain and it feels like it’s only a matter of time before it becomes unbearable. Hospitalization is absolutely out of the question—I’ve been hospitalized over a dozen times and it hasn’t helped and I’ve been mistreated by staff and last time especially was absolute torture and I’d kill myself in a heartbeat rather than have to go through that hell again. I don’t know what to do, I wish so much I never existed in the first place

Spend all the time that you can with your loved ones and don't worry, they won't leave you for becoming "boring" or whatever.

Unfortunately there's no magic fix for your problem. keep movin. Try to do stuff, even if you don't feel like it; Practice some sport, read books, get you a dog... try all the small things within your reach to at least have your mind a bit busy.

And never lose hope, I know a couple of people who spent years in DEEP shit and now they live a rather nice life.

Take care.

Hex, I don't know what to write that won't sound pithy or preachy. I just want to say that I think you are tough beyond belief. I can't imagine what life would be like if I saw some of the dark things I feel about myself literally reflected back to me (undeservedly) from a hostile environment. I don't know what it takes to weather that. But you obviously have it, though you didn't wish to have to develop that I'm sure. And I know that the price for the toughness was trauma. You must be nice to be around because you obviously have various kinds of love in your life and have found your people. I am just wishing you whatever you need to ride this out, a change in fortune, some well-deserved detachment, good news, or whatever would make life more bearable right now.

love you Hex

Thanks so much for the kind words. One of the hardest parts of this is that so many things about my life are really good—I have the support of people I love dearly and who would have no reason to stick with me if they didn’t like me, I’ve accomplished a lot in multiple fields, and I no longer have a lot of internal dysphoria or low self-esteem, but I’m still saddled with depression. It’s a truly awful disease.

I’m going through a major living situation shakeup right now—I was living with my two partners, one of my partners’s partners, and a friend, all crammed in a small two bedroom/one bathroom apartment. For almost three years I just lived with one of my partners and it was really wonderful, but then a series of events involving housing losses led to everyone else moving in within a span of a couple months. It honestly wasn’t bad, I loved living with everyone and we got along really well, but it was definitely cramped. Today my friend moved out a mile down the street, and next week my partner who I had previously been living with for three years is moving out with her partner only a ten minute walk away, which will leave just me and my other partner. I’m definitely gonna miss living with my one partner but she won’t be far away and it’s going to be a lot easier to manage things now that over half of us have moved out. So I’m hoping my mental health will improve a bit soon.

I'm glad you will have more room to breathe! It was good of you to help your friends have a home and I'm glad they got something of their own.