I like how the beginning says "Free Home Trial *flashing*SEND NO MONEY*flashing*! and the end says "Now for the low price of 19.95!"

"How's that for a clever cleaver!"

I have always wanted a utility knife that could cut my linoleum and my pizza!

OK, so this isn't really a bad gift, but just not the right kind of gift for me.

My mother loves the fact that I play music, but misunderstands exactly what I like to play. She bought me a mandolin this year. "You should try to incorporate it into your music," she said.

Now, I can't go through the details of rock n' roll with my mother, because she just won't understand. But I have no clue what to do with a mandolin, nor the interest in learning.

Sweet gift, though. At least she tried.

I have a really nice Gibson mandolin from the 1900's. It used to belong to my great-grandfather.











I love that thing.

Mandolin is a beautiful instrument. I think your mom is right. You ought to incorporate it into your music.

Last Christmas my cousin gave me earmuffs and we're both from Georgia and it never goes below 100. I wore them a few times to scam the muff.

That's funny, because I got a mandolin from my dad for the second year in a row. I didn't even know he had two. He had a stroke five years ago and now can't play any of his instruments, so he's been giving them to us kids. We don't know who's getting the drumset yet.

That was actually one of the handful of cool gifts, aside from the Christmas Crapucopia Crapalcade '07:

--a mix CD of praise & worship music--I think my mom's pastor puts these together and she apparently thought it would be just great to give me one. I can never tell if she's actively trying to get me to accept Christ as my personal lord & savior, or if she's just trying to share a part of her life that makes her happy. Probably a little of both. We watched some History Channel docs about the Aprocrypha and other books that didn't make it into the Bible and was treated to hearing words like "Zen", "Pagan" and "Agnostic" leave her mouth like they tasted like poo, and her wondering why, since Muslims believe in the Immaculate Conception, they're not just Christian. And drawing a parallel between the Slaughter of the Innocents and abortion.

--bamboo windchimes, which are actually kind of cool as windchimes go, but I'm not a windchimes kinda guy. Hearing them blow in the wind just sets me on edge; I could hang them inside but they'll get tore up by the kittehs. Eh, I'll find a place for them, they're not that bad.

--a hall rug that's black but bordered with leopard print. Mom does know I'm a cat lover, and I like the big cats too; that doesn't mean I want to do up my house like Kenya. Actually I'm kinda warming up to it.

--a money clip. Eh, at least it wasn't a wallet with a duck or moose on it.

--from my dad's girlfriend, a leather jacket (other than belts & shoes, I have NEVER worn leather in my life, but she doesn't really know me) and a black long-sleeve pullover that I liked fine, but it was a MEDIUM and I wear an XL. "Well, if you kids would stop growin'...." Except that the last time I could fit into an adult medium was probably 15 years before she even started seeing my dad.

--my dad asking me if I was gay, because whenever he asks if I'm seeing anybody, the answer is always no. He did say he didn't care if I was (I have a gay brother and he's down with that, so at least I can believe him), but I was still pretty fucking mortified. Not at the idea that someone would think I was gay (though I do show up in Mullet Country with my immaculately cropped coif, non-beer-logo'd clothing and all my teeth), but at the whole concept that if someone is single well into their 30s, something must be wrong beyond just being introverted to a fault and really picky about who you pair with. And if someone is a closeted gay, you don't fucking out them by ASKING them.

(I told my gay brother about this [I was the only kid to make it home this year, so I got do deal with it all by myself and not have my brothers, who are cool, as company], and he was like, "yeah, he's always asking me if I'm still with that girl I was seeing, etc., I just play along...." You kinda just take that with a grain of salt since the stroke cooked his brains over easy with a side of burnt toast.)

Argh, sorry for the threadjack. It's been stewin' for about a week.

lemur68 wrote:That's funny, because I got a mandolin from my dad for the second year in a row. I didn't even know he had two. He had a stroke five years ago and now can't play any of his instruments, so he's been giving them to us kids. We don't know who's getting the drumset yet.

That was actually one of the handful of cool gifts, aside from the Christmas Crapucopia Crapalcade '07:

--a mix CD of praise & worship music--I think my mom's pastor puts these together and she apparently thought it would be just great to give me one. I can never tell if she's actively trying to get me to accept Christ as my personal lord & savior, or if she's just trying to share a part of her life that makes her happy. Probably a little of both. We watched some History Channel docs about the Aprocrypha and other books that didn't make it into the Bible and was treated to hearing words like "Zen", "Pagan" and "Agnostic" leave her mouth like they tasted like poo, and her wondering why, since Muslims believe in the Immaculate Conception, they're not just Christian. And drawing a parallel between the Slaughter of the Innocents and abortion.

--bamboo windchimes, which are actually kind of cool as windchimes go, but I'm not a windchimes kinda guy. Hearing them blow in the wind just sets me on edge; I could hang them inside but they'll get tore up by the kittehs. Eh, I'll find a place for them, they're not that bad.

--a hall rug that's black but bordered with leopard print. Mom does know I'm a cat lover, and I like the big cats too; that doesn't mean I want to do up my house like Kenya. Actually I'm kinda warming up to it.

--a money clip. Eh, at least it wasn't a wallet with a duck or moose on it.

--from my dad's girlfriend, a leather jacket (other than belts & shoes, I have NEVER worn leather in my life, but she doesn't really know me) and a black long-sleeve pullover that I liked fine, but it was a MEDIUM and I wear an XL. "Well, if you kids would stop growin'...." Except that the last time I could fit into an adult medium was probably 15 years before she even started seeing my dad.

--my dad asking me if I was gay, because whenever he asks if I'm seeing anybody, the answer is always no. He did say he didn't care if I was (I have a gay brother and he's down with that, so at least I can believe him), but I was still pretty fucking mortified. Not at the idea that someone would think I was gay (though I do show up in Mullet Country with my immaculately cropped coif, non-beer-logo'd clothing and all my teeth), but at the whole concept that if someone is single well into their 30s, something must be wrong beyond just being introverted to a fault and really picky about who you pair with. And if someone is a closeted gay, you don't fucking out them by ASKING them.

(I told my gay brother about this [I was the only kid to make it home this year, so I got do deal with it all by myself and not have my brothers, who are cool, as company], and he was like, "yeah, he's always asking me if I'm still with that girl I was seeing, etc., I just play along...." You kinda just take that with a grain of salt since the stroke cooked his brains over easy with a side of burnt toast.)

Argh, sorry for the threadjack. It's been stewin' for about a week.

I love your use of brackets.

EDIT: Fag.

A "3 Doors Down" CD from a born again inlaw who heard I was into "punk".

I got the 2008 Dog Fancy desktop calendar from my girlfriend"s mom.


So, my question is, does anyone want a 2008 Dog Fancy desktop calendar?

mine's going out this week. don't despair.

Colonel Panic wrote:I have a really nice Gibson mandolin from the 1900's. It used to belong to my great-grandfather.

I love that thing.

Mandolin is a beautiful instrument. I think your mom is right. You ought to incorporate it into your music.

Love it well and PROTECT it, Col.

That thing is worth between $3k and $5k, easy.

Just so you know. Early Gibson Mandos sell in Nashville for several house payments each.