For real laughs, try being your ex's roommate.

Can´t put it in terms of Crap / Not Crap, but I´m not good at it (morphing a romantic / sexual relationship into some kind of "pure" friendship).

I'm friends with my exes. This is probably because I only date people I, you know, actually seriously like.

Steve V. wrote:But yes, I would fuck a few of them given another chance.

You can't approach a friendship with an ex with this in your head. It won't work. Fucking stops when you break up. Friends don't fuck.

I am friends with all but one guy that I have been involved in a relationship with, even the one guy who cheated on me. (He later married the woman, so good for him)
Currently, my ex lives about 10 feet away from me. We were together for about eight years and have been the best of friends for another ten years on top of that. We see each other multiple times a day, know everything about each others lives, share the same friends and genuinely adore each other, but the thought of fucking him is about as appealing as the thought of having sex with my brother.

Antero wrote:I only date people I, you know, actually seriously like.

Exactly.
If you spend all this time with someone, you obviously don't think they are repulsive as a human being. Maybe you were just meant to be friends, not lovers or whatever.
Get over the pain, swallow your pride and make the transition into friendship. Don't be lame.

Horses for courses I'd say but would always counsel against - at least against immediate 'let's be friends'. Becoming friends again after a while seems fine (I've done it myself) I think it will always seem a little peculiar because the fact is you're never going to be as close as you once were.

My current girlfriend's mother is on very good terms with My girlfriend's dad after many years of divorce. They go on family holidays together and everything. I think it took some years to get to that but there you go.
(though that sounds positive (and I often see it that way) I am of the opinion that that works because of the balance of personality. She has low self esteem and is submissive and he is arrogant and domineering. I can't help but think that if she had more self esteem the situation wouldn't be as it is.)


Also re my girlfriend. When we first began going out (over five years ago now) she wanted to remain close friends with her ex and I wouldn't have it.
I think they thought it feasable because of the above described parental pleasantries but I knew the fella, knew he wasn't over her and knew - sooner or later - he'd make a move on her.
Why put up with the potential hassle - specially when he'd been such a cunt to her?

And for all those hipsters out there who might think that unreasonable bare in mind that about 2 years later he made a desperate play for her- begging her to elope with him and then saying he was going to join the RAF or something - there was a lot of drugs in his head at the time I think.

So -alas - aside from the potential of a superficial friendship some years down the line i think I'd have to say Crap

(though sprinkle kids into the mix and it obviously gets more complicated)

Earwicker wrote:Also re my girlfriend. When we first began going out (over five years ago now) she wanted to remain close friends with her ex and I wouldn't have it.

I would never date a guy who would not allow my pre-existing friendships, no matter who they were. Why would get together with someone if you don't trust them to be capable in their choice of friends? Hell, if you are going out with me you should know that my judgment is good, I chose you didn't I?

Earwicker wrote:(though sprinkle kids into the mix and it obviously gets more complicated)

I would imagine this might be a bit more difficult, but I wouldn't know personally.

Earwicker wrote:that unreasonable bare in mind

I would see this work of situationist cinema dubbed from French.

Nina wrote:

Earwicker wrote:Also re my girlfriend. When we first began going out (over five years ago now) she wanted to remain close friends with her ex and I wouldn't have it.

I would never date a guy who would not allow my pre-existing friendships, no matter who they were. Why would get together with someone if you don't trust them to be capable in their choice of friends? Hell, if you are going out with me you should know that my judgment is good, I chose you didn't I?

I mostly agree with you, Nina, but I think Earwicker made the right choice here. It's one thing if both parties in the former couple are on the same page, but in this case, they weren't. The ex-boyfriend was actively attempting to subvert their relationship. It doesn't matter whether the ex would never succeed. The fact that he's trying is reason enough to ask her to jettison him.

For the record, my wife is good friends with her ex-husband.

Let's be honest here: the boilerplate "It would really mean a lot to me if we stayed friends" line is simply code for "I've found someone else, and the last thing I need right now is a mess. I am attempting to tell you whatever it takes for you to make as quiet and convenient an exit as possible." It's just one more bullshit line tantamount to "It's not about you; it's about me."

When it comes down to actually being friends after a breakup:

Nina wrote:

Steve V. wrote:But yes, I would fuck a few of them given another chance.

You can't approach a friendship with an ex with this in your head. It won't work. Fucking stops when you break up. Friends don't fuck.

I am friends with all but one guy that I have been involved in a relationship with, even the one guy who cheated on me. (He later married the woman, so good for him)
Currently, my ex lives about 10 feet away from me. We were together for about eight years and have been the best of friends for another ten years on top of that. We see each other multiple times a day, know everything about each others lives, share the same friends and genuinely adore each other, but the thought of fucking him is about as appealing as the thought of having sex with my brother.

Antero wrote:I only date people I, you know, actually seriously like.

Exactly.
If you spend all this time with someone, you obviously don't think they are repulsive as a human being. Maybe you were just meant to be friends, not lovers or whatever.
Get over the pain, swallow your pride and make the transition into friendship. Don't be lame.

That depends. Whatever causes the breakup will also affect the friendship. If the issue behind the breakup has nothing to do with your friendship, then your friendship should be just fine. Likewise, if the issue is the kind of issue that would ding a friendship as well, then your expectations should be realistic and you should deal with the issue as friends.

There are exes I'm friends with and exes who might have dropped off the face of the earth 10 years ago for all I know or care. Holding a grudge or carrying a chip on your shoulder is stupid and self-defeating, but aside from that, there's more than one way to move on. Eyeing someone in your rear-view mirror one last time in your life is vastly underrated.

i've had 3 boyfriends ever (started dating when i was eighteen). 1 for one year, another for almost 2 years and now for 7 years. #1 and i are still good friends nearly 9 years later - i think that's because we were friends first and relationship second, and i was also really young when we dated. he may even be one of my favorite friends, but even then we still fight sometimes (in a way i wouldn't fight with other friends) and act a fool. i am still glad we are friends though. #2 and i aren't really friends but not enemies either. during our relationship we were a couple first, enemies second and friends last. so now it's just sort of awkward and "ex-y" when and if we run into each other. i kind of prefer against the run-in if i can help it, although it's interesting. #3 (current) is the bestestest but i'm not sure we could be friends if we broke up mostly because it would take him doing something crazy and unforgivable for me to break up with him, and if he broke up with me i would be really mad and try to stab him or something (just kidding!....).

i guess "let's be friends" is not crap (waffle 10)... but then again, why bother?