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I'm sorry Hex.

i really want to not exist anymore

Overwhelmed and paralyzed by grief of late.

The holidays really hit with full force over the weekend, reminding me that so many of the special, meaningful moments that make life complete are no longer available to me. I've lost so many people. My dear friend Jerry - dead since 2009. My old friend Nuci, who's been gone since 1996. My Mom lived for 17 years in an institution before finally dying in 2017. She loved this time of year. My very dear friend died of a heart attack back in June, and another died of cirrhosis in July. It's hard not to wonder 'what's the point of any of this'.

This time last year, my wife and I, after being separated for a year, spent the long Thanksgiving weekend at the beach, just the two of us, enjoying each other's company. I came home renewed and feeling so hopeful for our future. She finally asked me for a divorce in July, a few days after my friend died of cirrhosis, and now I look back at that hopeful version of myself with such shame and pity. Who had the nerve to think it would work out? We have yet to make formal arrangements, because those conversations are painful and complicated, so I still pathetically hold onto some hope that we can reunite. I miss her so much. It's been two years since we were really 'together' and I feel so ashamed to have held on for so long - to still be holding on.

I did a good bit of drinking over the last week. I told myself it was all about fun and holidays and good cheer, but now that I'm sitting here ruminating, the story feels a lot more like unsuccessful self-medication than normal holiday shenanigans. Everything feels so impossibly grim that it's difficult to stand up and face it head on. I feel like I need a crutch right now, but nothing seems to work.

I miss the security of having those people in my life. Of having a Mom to comfort me and think of me. Of being married to an amazing woman who made me feel loved. It all hurts so much that my stomach is cramping, and I can't imagine any kind of relief from the emptiness.

Quitting drinking is the best thing I ever did.

Love to all of those alone through December.

andyman wrote: Mon Dec 02, 2024 10:58 am Quitting drinking is the best thing I ever did.

Sobriety certainly helps, and drinking is certainly something of a bottomless pit. But sobriety just brings all the non-drinking pain to the fore, and that can be a LOT of pain to manage.

bigc wrote: Mon Dec 02, 2024 12:43 pm

andyman wrote: Mon Dec 02, 2024 10:58 am Quitting drinking is the best thing I ever did.

Sobriety certainly helps, and drinking is certainly something of a bottomless pit. But sobriety just brings all the non-drinking pain to the fore, and that can be a LOT of pain to manage.

Totally. Finding a way to actually deal with whatever the pain is is a lot better than drinking though.

To anyone considering it, I was a bundle of raw nerves at first; drinking had worn away any sort of coping mechanism, which is part of what's so insidious about it. It erodes the other coping mechanisms until it's you have left to lean on. They grow back over time though.

andyman wrote: Mon Dec 02, 2024 12:57 pm Totally. Finding a way to actually deal with whatever the pain is is a lot better than drinking though.

To anyone considering it, I was a bundle of raw nerves at first; drinking had worn away any sort of coping mechanism, which is part of what's so insidious about it. It erodes the other coping mechanisms until it's you have left to lean on. They grow back over time though.

That's been my experience, too. I've gone long stretches without booze, or with very little booze, and everything really does lighten up a lot. Which makes the post booze shame and frustration all the more challenging. Sometimes I just want all the feelings to go away, and booze works for that in the short term.

I'm no longer a group guy, but groups really help with stopping. There's real benefit to talking and socialising (or just not sitting with your own thoughts).

If the group's shit (some are), just try more until you find one that's good..

I'm in individual therapy, and also have a give person group that meets twice a month. Super valuable.

Once the divorce is complete you will be able to really start healing. While it's still up in the air, your brain will go down those rabbit holes and wild goose chases of thought, trying desperately to find a version of reality in which you get back together. Research suggests that much of the visceral pain felt due to loss is from our brains trying to navigate all these neural pathways that lead nowhere now that the person/situation/limb is gone, and that pain is diminished by building new pathways to new ideas and experiences. Basically you have to scribble over all the old lines that led to her in order to feel better, and one of those big lines is your marital status.

Solutions to psychological problems often require doing or accepting something that seems counter-intuitive. In your case, it seems clear that you do not want to get divorced, so the belief you have is that divorce = bad. We base our interpretation of reality on our beliefs and feelings, so if you hang on to the belief that divorce = bad, then your reality will be tragic and any attempt to accept loss and let yourself heal will be incongruous with your reality and thus more difficult to do. However, the truth may be that divorce will set you free and let you heal, and so in that case divorce = good. Again, I know it may seem counter-intuitive, but if you change your beliefs to something more congruous with reality, then this process will be far less of a struggle. It is incredibly liberating to embrace that which you fear. Good luck.