Haven't been here for a long time. But, arrggh, shit is pretty bad right now.

At some point, this list of shit finally broke me:

• I'm executor of an estate, with 2 residuary beneficiaries. One of them thinks I'm not working fast enough, and I'm stealing from the estate. Every fucking time her lawyer engages with my lawyer, it's costing the estate money. BUT, the Estate has NO money. Until I sell all the shit off, then pay off the lawyer, my fee as executor, creditors, there's not gonna be much left, and they're making it worse. Did they care for this person for the last 10 years? Did they wipe their butt and empty urinals and manage all the details of hospice, medication, housekeeping? NO. Am I angry and resentful? YES.

• Came to realize that the years I spent caring for my elderly relative, maintaining their apartment and details, my own house and paper management has gone to shit, and now I have to try to catch up and

• I tried to find the Title to a car I'm trying to sell. Never had any reason to move it from it's folder, but it's not there. Thus, I've been going through file folders, odd boxes of paperwork, even went to the Safe Deposit box. Trying my best to recycle trash and "filing" the rest, but I've now got stacks of paper all over the house, that I can't manage.

• I'm older now (67, okay?), and managing things around the house is becoming difficult. I can fill bags with trash or recycling, but it's harder to lug it to the alley cans. I've tried using a wheel barrow, taking out a small bag every day, breaking down boxes from deliveries and getting them out, but I'm failing. And getting disheartened.

• Yes, I'm on psych meds, yes, I have a CBT therapist, but I've still got massive anxiety and I'm drinking more than I should.

• I don't have anyone to help me. My long distance boyfriend isn't really putting a lot of help forward. I've got no kids, my siblings are older than me and aren't able to help either. All the friends I had a couple decades ago are now all doing their own thing.

• Yes, I know I need to HIRE some help, but I'm uncomfortable having strangers in my house that I don't know. I'll figure that out, but it's not easy.

SO, I stay up late, wake up late, doom scroll my phone for hours and finally shower at like 5PM. Then, just can't get started with anything but the absolute bare minimum (eat, kitty litter clean, feed the cat). I'm just in a very sad state. All this Trump/Musk nonsense isn't helping my anxiety. No, I'm not gonna harm myself, other than having another drink before bed...

I want to be happier, and I know I need to "take a walk", "eat good food", "excercise", but I just don't feel like it. Self-defeating, helpless spiraling.
Gah. Gimme a push, someone, please.

catwoman wrote: Tue Feb 18, 2025 12:52 am Haven't been here for a long time. But, arrggh, shit is pretty bad right now.

At some point, this list of shit finally broke me:

• I'm executor of an estate, with 2 residuary beneficiaries. One of them thinks I'm not working fast enough, and I'm stealing from the estate. Every fucking time her lawyer engages with my lawyer, it's costing the estate money. BUT, the Estate has NO money. Until I sell all the shit off, then pay off the lawyer, my fee as executor, creditors, there's not gonna be much left, and they're making it worse. Did they care for this person for the last 10 years? Did they wipe their butt and empty urinals and manage all the details of hospice, medication, housekeeping? NO. Am I angry and resentful? YES.

• Came to realize that the years I spent caring for my elderly relative, maintaining their apartment and details, my own house and paper management has gone to shit, and now I have to try to catch up and

• I tried to find the Title to a car I'm trying to sell. Never had any reason to move it from it's folder, but it's not there. Thus, I've been going through file folders, odd boxes of paperwork, even went to the Safe Deposit box. Trying my best to recycle trash and "filing" the rest, but I've now got stacks of paper all over the house, that I can't manage.

• I'm older now (67, okay?), and managing things around the house is becoming difficult. I can fill bags with trash or recycling, but it's harder to lug it to the alley cans. I've tried using a wheel barrow, taking out a small bag every day, breaking down boxes from deliveries and getting them out, but I'm failing. And getting disheartened.

• Yes, I'm on psych meds, yes, I have a CBT therapist, but I've still got massive anxiety and I'm drinking more than I should.

• I don't have anyone to help me. My long distance boyfriend isn't really putting a lot of help forward. I've got no kids, my siblings are older than me and aren't able to help either. All the friends I had a couple decades ago are now all doing their own thing.

• Yes, I know I need to HIRE some help, but I'm uncomfortable having strangers in my house that I don't know. I'll figure that out, but it's not easy.

SO, I stay up late, wake up late, doom scroll my phone for hours and finally shower at like 5PM. Then, just can't get started with anything but the absolute bare minimum (eat, kitty litter clean, feed the cat). I'm just in a very sad state. All this Trump/Musk nonsense isn't helping my anxiety. No, I'm not gonna harm myself, other than having another drink before bed...

I want to be happier, and I know I need to "take a walk", "eat good food", "excercise", but I just don't feel like it. Self-defeating, helpless spiraling.
Gah. Gimme a push, someone, please.

Oh my God….

This is a lot, and you are doing the right thing here.

catwoman wrote: Tue Feb 18, 2025 12:52 am I want to be happier, and I know I need to "take a walk", "eat good food", "excercise", but I just don't feel like it. Self-defeating, helpless spiraling.
Gah. Gimme a push, someone, please.

Put like that it seems insurmountable, and doesn't need to be. Even 5 minutes a day to do the extra thing: step outside for a bit, or meditate, can help get things on a better track. Maybe do 10 minutes next week but don't worry about that yet.

Having good established routines is saving us right now, in what's shaping up to be a very difficult year, maybe our hardest. We aren't even confident where we'll be living in 6-12 months. And the daily toll of seeing others who have it worse, such as the young-ish mother of 4, the "always puts a smile on your face" mail room worker in my partner's old Chicago office arbitrarily fired Friday thanks to MAGA fucks, it would be understandable to give up entirely. And while we aren't as focused and disciplined as we were maybe 6 months ago, before the worst things that could happen actually did and then some, that 45 minute walk on a sunny winter day might end up being the best part of it. We never regret those efforts, unlike the staying up too late reading the Bluesky feeds and whatnot.

It sounds stupid when you're in the well, but just leaving the house and walking is something that can at least orient a person.

I'm reminded by doing it that I am a human animal on a planet with other creatures and plants and stuff.
And I'm actually here--I'm not an online identity or a worker bee or just something that has to clean itself and eat and all that.
And critically, whatever is happening externally doesn't absolutely have to rule my universe.
I'll know if it gets so overwhelming that it really does rule my universe. But it doesn't have to do so, basically always so far.
Affect me, sure. Rule my universe, no.

In general (not always, but a lot of the time), I have it easier than most.
And something that simple is hardly some complete solution even for me, not to mention people that have it way worse than I do.
But it's easy to do, and it's a good start.

If you stay in an environment that encourages (over)consumption of news tidbits that are mostly designed to a) jack your cortisol and adrenaline levels and b) keep you consuming them, it's not going to be good.
And that's how almost all of the heavily-trafficked parts of the internet work.
I know this from experience.

Social media is literally psyops, and basically all mainstream media now aspires to sink to its level.
If you're at least aware of that, always, and work to control consumption of it on your terms, it helps a lot.

It’s really interesting how much of the advice is as simple as “go for a walk”. But just moving your body and even getting a sweat up can help a lot with the symptoms of mental health issues. It won’t cure underlying conditions but can really help of things like anxiety etc.

I’ve had a lot of mental health struggles over the years. Mostly depression and anxiety, with the usual imposter syndrome stuff. Getting diagnosed with a form of blood cancer 18 months ago didn’t help. My wife was really worried I’d descend into a pit. I’ve pushed myself to walk four kilometres each way to work everyday. Honestly it’s made a massive difference. But if you can, put some head phones on, line up some music or whatever and walk. In the UK mental health professionals are even proscribing gym memberships on the public healthcare system to help with mental health issues.

catwoman wrote: Tue Feb 18, 2025 12:52 am No, I'm not gonna harm myself, other than having another drink before bed...

Yikes, that’s a lot. I wish you the best.

Obvs my overall situation is different than yours, but if you find yourself in a rut where you are drinking 4-6 drinks every day like I often do, hijack yourself to the nearest ice cream shop and get yourself a big sundae or milkshake instead. Try to break yourself free from the drink for at least a day or two, at least enough to get a night of restful sleep.

Unless you have a history of the DTs. Then don’t do this.

I'm also a big fan of walking and build about an hour into my morning to walk to get a coffee and do a loop around a nearby pond. Being an early riser, it's especially nice because it feels like I have the world to myself. I'd say for me it qualifies as mindfulness, and combines some light physical activity with some time to exist purely in my own headspace. I'm super protective of this time and will go out in all but the worst weather. I definitely feel like this helps frame my day-to-be in a good way and I feel "off" on the days it doesn't happen.

A good article.

https://www.nuffieldhealth.com/article/ ... of-walking

Yeah, long walks are great, but I want to re-emphasize that it's ok if that's not happening at the moment, and any time you have for self care is ok at first.

Over two years ago I had a knee brace and just thought without surgery or injections, that's just how life's gonna be now: certainly not helpful to my mental state at that time either. My partner finally said something to the effect of 'Do you even stretch Bro'. Other than superficially not really, so I started forcing some deep 10-15 minute stretches a day along with some rolling (pretty much like a baker's roller that you knead into your muscles like a deep massage). I improved drastically after like a week, enough to where I could start doing some light yoga again. Then I eventually picked up some dumbells, furthered my mobility and.. etc. But it really did just start with 10 minutes of stretching a day.

But it also just depends what you need. Some people may need the mental break more than the physical one (though they work together, for sure).

Debated whether I should put this in Little Details, RIP, or this thread, but the crushing feeling of grief made me choose this one.

This past Sunday I finished a great weekend of skiing in northern VT, near the border, feeling great about everything, ready to head into NH to check out a few more spots before heading back to the midwest. Daily call with my husband, our dog was a little sick, throwing up and tired, but nothing too out of the ordinary. Woke up early Monday to the call that he was in grave condition, had been at the emergency veterinary hospital since 4am. A whole slew of issues that I don't care to go into. I immediately started the awful drive back from Newport, VT to Chicago, while getting periodic updates about his condition. Treacherous, remote roads, closed highways, detours, wind, whiteouts, general despair.

19 hours later I got back to Chicago (3am) and immediately laid on the floor next to my boy, unsure of whether he was aware enough to know I was back. He sat up at one point while I was sleeping next to him and gave me a kiss on my nose, so I hope with all my heart that meant yes. We lost him the following afternoon, 10 hours after I got home.

I know pet owners understand the crushing feeling of loss, but I still feel a bit of guilt about it, given, well, everything going on. Going on 3 days of barely being able to leave the couch. That familiar, heavy, nauseous feeling of cortisol flooding your entire system. We lost his big brother less than 4 years ago, in a similarly fast decline, no time to for a real goodbye. The idea of NOT having pets in the home makes me sad, but losing them is so devastating I don't know how much more of that I can take.