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ChudFusk wrote: Tue Dec 03, 2024 8:27 pm Once the divorce is complete you will be able to really start healing. While it's still up in the air, your brain will go down those rabbit holes and wild goose chases of thought, trying desperately to find a version of reality in which you get back together. Research suggests that much of the visceral pain felt due to loss is from our brains trying to navigate all these neural pathways that lead nowhere now that the person/situation/limb is gone, and that pain is diminished by building new pathways to new ideas and experiences. Basically you have to scribble over all the old lines that led to her in order to feel better, and one of those big lines is your marital status.

Solutions to psychological problems often require doing or accepting something that seems counter-intuitive. In your case, it seems clear that you do not want to get divorced, so the belief you have is that divorce = bad. We base our interpretation of reality on our beliefs and feelings, so if you hang on to the belief that divorce = bad, then your reality will be tragic and any attempt to accept loss and let yourself heal will be incongruous with your reality and thus more difficult to do. However, the truth may be that divorce will set you free and let you heal, and so in that case divorce = good. Again, I know it may seem counter-intuitive, but if you change your beliefs to something more congruous with reality, then this process will be far less of a struggle. It is incredibly liberating to embrace that which you fear. Good luck.

This is a tremendous and succinct couple of paragraphs to put loss, change and grief into perspective. Thank you.

ChudFusk wrote: Tue Dec 03, 2024 8:27 pm Once the divorce is complete you will be able to really start healing. While it's still up in the air, your brain will go down those rabbit holes and wild goose chases of thought, trying desperately to find a version of reality in which you get back together. Research suggests that much of the visceral pain felt due to loss is from our brains trying to navigate all these neural pathways that lead nowhere now that the person/situation/limb is gone, and that pain is diminished by building new pathways to new ideas and experiences. Basically you have to scribble over all the old lines that led to her in order to feel better, and one of those big lines is your marital status.

Solutions to psychological problems often require doing or accepting something that seems counter-intuitive. In your case, it seems clear that you do not want to get divorced, so the belief you have is that divorce = bad. We base our interpretation of reality on our beliefs and feelings, so if you hang on to the belief that divorce = bad, then your reality will be tragic and any attempt to accept loss and let yourself heal will be incongruous with your reality and thus more difficult to do. However, the truth may be that divorce will set you free and let you heal, and so in that case divorce = good. Again, I know it may seem counter-intuitive, but if you change your beliefs to something more congruous with reality, then this process will be far less of a struggle. It is incredibly liberating to embrace that which you fear. Good luck.

This is a wonderful thing to read. Thanks for it, and thanks to all for the continued buoyancy.

I fucked up really bad and potentially screwed over a friend because I was too eager to try to help with something way over my head. I live in Cleveland and they live in a town near Detroit three hours away. A little over a week ago they messaged me because they were looking for help moving stuff from their partner who they said lives in Ohio’s place, but is moving in with them, to theirs, on Friday (now tomorrow). I accepted because I assumed they lived on the way and I would drive to them, get the stuff, and then drive to Detroit and back. But then they informed me that their partner was currently staying with them and I would need to pick them up to take them back to their place so they could get in and then drive up to Detroit and back. I said that would probably be ok but for some reason I didn’t ask where in Ohio they lived, I assumed it was near the border of Michigan.

But then yesterday I asked and they said their partner was in Akron… when meant I would have to drive to Detroit, then to Akron, then back to Detroit, then back home to Cleveland. I really wanted to help and said I could probably still do it, but I didn’t realize the distance and how long I’d be driving and how much it would cost in gas until just now, while I like awake in bed with insomnia struggling to fall asleep. It turns out it would be almost 900 miles and 14 hours of driving total, all while the weather is shitty with lake effect snow forecasted.

I messaged them that I just couldn’t do the trip, especially given my car is getting old and it’d be too risky in the weather for it. I said it’d be a lot easier to find someone who lives near them rather than having me drive an extra six hours just to get to the starting point and back home.

I feel like total shit though for agreeing in the first place without really thinking. I was so desperate to do something nice for a friend that I might have fucked them over as I don’t know if they have a limited timeframe to move the stuff. I offered to send them $30 (basically all I can afford rn) and then another $20 next week when I’m able to get more money, and I understand if they end up hating me for this, but I’m really upset with myself for this in the first place. I’ve not been doing well the last month and I’m terrified I’m going to lose people I love because of stupid decisions like this

It sounds like you actually made a good decision in just being honest about what you could do in the end. I have gotten myself into plenty of such predicaments through people pleasing and wanting to help (sometimes for the wrong reasons). In trying to "reform" that tendency in myself, I learned the simple lesson that the thing that distinguishes people is how they respond when other people don't do what they want them to do. Meaning, if they are friends or in general reasonable people they will understand and respect your boundaries, or at least accept them. Don't beat yourself up about the situation.

And thanks for the wonderful post upthread, Johnny Boombats.

jimmy spako wrote: Fri Dec 06, 2024 3:57 am It sounds like you actually made a good decision in just being honest about what you could do in the end. I have gotten myself into plenty of such predicaments through people pleasing and wanting to help (sometimes for the wrong reasons). In trying to "reform" that tendency in myself, I learned the simple lesson that the thing that distinguishes people is how they respond when other people don't do what they want them to do. Meaning, if they are friends or in general reasonable people they will understand and respect your boundaries, or at least accept them. Don't beat yourself up about the situation.

I think this is a great post.

It's great to honor commitments and all but no one is perfect and there's a big difference between overextending yourself occasionally and being a person who's chronically unreliable.

Welp, they are *really* upset with me

I think what they asked from you was really unreasonable and unrealistic. I understand you fucked up a little when you said yes without thinking it through, but they had unrealistic expectations and were advantage of your friendship (intentionally or not).

They have the responsibility to take care of their own lives. I mean wtf, ask someone from Cleveland to move their shit from Akron to Detroit? Even I know that's a huge ask and I'm not even on your continent!

I definitely fucked up, but I also was beyond confused about the whole arrangement. I assumed the reason they even asked me was because I lived relatively close to where the stuff was and could just take it up, hang out a bit, and go home, not go up to them *first* and then to Akron then back to Detroit then I gotta drive back home to Cleveland. I also barely know them, I’ve only hung out with them twice.

Idk the entire last month I feel like I’ve been in a haze. I even finally won my disability case after 7 years of fighting but I don’t even feel anything

Hex wrote:I even finally won my disability case after 7 years of fighting

Congratulations, that is good news.

In that case they are definitely trying to take advantage if you. They might be oblivious, but in any case they went too far. Let them be mad, if they don't see why what they asked was unreasonable then fuck'em.

What I've read here you've been through a lot of shit recently and you don't need another reason to feel bad. This is not on you.