I'm certainly not sure I'm in the best position to offer advice apart from: hang in there.

I do have a Ninja story though. Kind of. Ever hear of a Scottish Ninja? About ten years ago a friend of mine who previously wanted to be a physiotherapist had some kind of life crisis thing and disappeared for a while. When he came back he told us he had been living in a tent on the hills beneath Edinburgh castle with someone called "Storm".

Storm was a (self proclaimed) Ninja and came back with my friend to my hometown by the seaside. Storm's Ninja-ness manifested itself in him wearing long rabbit fur covered boots, which he had extracted from rabbits killed by his own Ninja hand and then cooked for his and my friend's survival. Chip shops being so very rare in Scotland.

You might imagine the picture of my friend, looking as if he had been sleeping in a tent with a Ninja for two weeks, and his personal Ninja warrior (who refused to tell us his real name for fear of witchcraft) sitting in a darkened, crowded pub on a friday night. We made jokes and snide comments and laughed a fair bit until Storm thought the time was right to show the general public his Samurai sword, previously carefully concealed beneath his dirty, smelly robes. And no, Samurai sword is not a euphemism.

I remember the hush this created as I stifled the urge to ask a Ninja what the fuck he was doing with a Samurai sword.

A week later Storm disappeared avec sword 'n' boots, Ninjitsu being (as Splinter always said) the art of invisibility.

My friend recovered, for a time, then became a postman.

I do not know what went on in their Ninja tent and never have I asked. I feel it might violate some sort of code or other. One thing is for sure though, I will never forget the night a Ninja came to town in long, furry homemade boots and scared the shit out of everyone with a real live Samurai sword.

All the best,
Stephen

That story is almost worth beelzebubbles' breakup. Fantastic!


Almost, I said! (Just kidding, man. You should still be a Damn Hell Ass Ninja.)