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An airplane begins to experience mechanical problems. In the ensuing hubbub for parachutes its comes to pass that there are only three left to be fought over by the pilot, an attorney, a priest, and a 12 year-old boy.

The pilot says 'I got us this far. I'm taking one. Padre, you take one as well. I need god on my side.'

The attorney, worry in his words, blurts out 'I'm taking one, dammit.'

The pilot responds 'what about the kid?'

The attorney shrugs 'fuck 'im.'

The priest furrows his brow and says 'do you think we'll have time?'

Posh Spice is rumoured to have had an affair with Michael Jackson. He is denying the allegations, saying he was in Brooklyn at the time.

West Virginian walks into a pharmacy.

Says to pharmacist, "I need some birth control pills for my 12 year-old-daughter."

Pharmacist says, "Holy shit! You're daughter's 12 and she's already sexually active?"

West Virginian says,"Not really. She just kind of lies there like her mother."

So this penguin is driving through the desert in his sedan. All of a sudden his engine starts smoking, so he pulls over at the next station/restaurant/rest stop to talk to the mechanic. He pulls up to the garage and the mechanic tells him that it'll take a half hour to assess the car and that the penguin should hang out in the air-conditioned restaurant, while he waits.

Naturally the penguin is thrilled about the air-conditioning. See...he's a penguin driving through the desert. Well, the penguin goes inside and decides the best way to beat the heat is to get some ice-cream. The woman behind the counter brings him one of those little plastic cups with the flat wooden spoons and sets it down in front of him.

Without opposable thumbs, the flat spoon is useless (driving is a lot less, difficult cause it's less fine motor skill and more timing). Not one to let this situation get the best of him, the penguin starts flippering icecream into his beak, making a mess of things. Ice cream is everywhere, all over his beak and face and flippers and the penguin plunks down his money and heads out the door to the bathroom outside to wash up.

When he steps out the door he runs into the mechanic, who gestures his thumb towards the garage and says:
"It looks like you blew a seal"

and the penguin replies:
"No, no. It's just ice cream."

Faiz

What's the hardest part about roller blading?


Telling your parents you're gay.


-n

Seeing as another thread is on the bee topic...

Q. What kind of bees give milk?

A. Boo-bees.

what did the left butt cheek say to the right butt cheek?



"don't talk to that guy in the middle. he's an asshole! "

What's red and silver and bumps into walls?








A baby with forks in its eyes.



Knock knock
Who’s there?
Creeping penis.
Creeping penis who?
I’m not crazy, I just need to get off this island. The doctors don’t believe I invented the chocolate éclair. But I did. I’m going to burn them all and drink soup from their skulls! Happy soup! Untie me and I’ll kill you last!



T

A kangaroo walks into a bar. He tells the bartender, "Blood is the lipstick of all wounds."

The bartender does not know how he said this, or why.



T

these jokes, she's-a for all the fake italianos!

a couple vampires are sittin around, making plans for the evening. one says to the other, "i'm kinda hungry. what should we get? chinese?" the other responds "naw, not in the mood? how about italian?" the first agrees, sounds like a plan, so they turn into bats and fly off to fake italia.

once there, they find a nice spot to camp out and wait, near a bridge that's somewhat desolate but still gets some foot traffic. after a little while, a couple of folks are crossing the bridge, walking home from a night out at the bars. the vampires jump out, grab them, drink all their blood and then throw them off the bridge. as they are not totally full, they return to their spot behind some trees and wait for more people to walk by.

again, there's a couple of folks crossing the bridge after only a few more minutes. the vampires jump out, suck them dry, and throw their bodies off the bridge, only this time, they hear what sounds like laughter down below. they go below to check it out.

when they get under the bridge, they're surprised to see a homeless man down there, and all around him and his shopping cart full of cans and whatnot are the bodies of the four people the vampires killed. one of them asks the man, "why are you laughing? what's so funny?" and he responds with this little tune, "drained wops keep fallin' on my head!"

she's a much more funny with the speaking out of the loud, and the singing the song at the end. these joke, she makes me laugh in the world of reals. salut, joke!