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I am 17 years old, and I am a river guide.

It is summer, so the water level is too low to run whitewater rafting trips... we take people on "floaters" on the Lehigh River in Eastern Pennsylvania.

I am in a kayak, and I spend most of the days paddling lazily with my head down, staring into the water. We are coming up on Bowmanstown, PA--a nondescript former coal town off route 446, overlooking strip mines at the base of the surrounding hills. There's rural graffitti on the concrete walls along the river: "Impeach Chicken Bill [Clinton]. Liberals make more laws, less freedom."

Usually the riverbottom around here features rusted steel plates from discarded auto parts, old tires, empty beer bottles from hillbilly drunkards who go 'camping' by the water.

I'm in my kayak, staring at the stones, and occasionally bottle, or tire. And I see green. Usually the trash is whitish green, or the leaves--I often mistake leaves for dollar bills. But I look a little closer--yup, that's a dollar bill!

Pull out of the kayak and jump into the waist-deep water, duck under and grab the bill. "holy shit, it's a $20!" I look down again... and see another! And another! They're scattered all over the river floor! I'm submerging my head into this slow moving filthy river, coming up with fistfuls of 10s and 20s! Kids are spotting them from rafts--I'm diving for handouts for 7-year-olds!

Three hundred sixty dollars. On the littered floor of a river in the middle of post-industrial nowhere.

Me: Why do I have 2,000 pewter skull rings under my register?
Manager: That was from some promotion last year.
Me: Should I offer the skull rings to the customers?
Manager: We're saving them for Halloween, actually.
Me: Can I take the skull rings home with me instead? I can use them for an art project.
Manager: hmmm...okay.

Moral of the story=you can get anything you'd like if you say that it's for an art project

i once found a pair of expensive pair of MALE underwear under the control room couch.

gross.

This is just the last few weeks:

1) A huge pile of size 5A drumsticks with these words printed upon them:

"Journalists Of Color."

2) A tourism poster promoting the nation of India featuring a photograph of an ancient stone carving wherein a male figure is totally grabbing the tit of a female figure

3) Three dozen children's art projects, each portraying Millenium Park in such materials as construction paper, aluminum foil and popsicle sticks. Scrawled upon one: "shiny bean here."

4) Votes, uncounted, in boxes


-r

JeremyLemos wrote:i once found a pair of expensive pair of MALE underwear under the control room couch.

gross.

They weren't that expensive.

while searching the computer at work today, i came across some very disturbing images...







they speak for themselves, but just so you know i work at an antique store, not a KKK resale shop.

not really found, but received...

one summer while I was still in college, I worked at a photo finishing shop that served the midlantic states. one day one of my friends in the quality assurance dept. showed me his collection of porn shots culled from the customer's photos. there were some really nice looking ones.

I still can't believe that motherfucker handed in that money

Marsupialized wrote:I still can't believe that motherfucker handed in that money

You got a nice, long laugh out of me. Good post.

I once found a hundred dollar bill neatly folded on the ground, right by my ex-boss. Needless to say, I casually picked it up and just walked away. I thought it was a nice gift for having to work for a dipshit.