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Posted: **Mon May 19, 2008 4:25 pm**

Y'all need to grow the fuck up, like a bunch of schoolchildren here.

Posted: **Mon May 19, 2008 4:44 pm**

After you pay the chick for her services, she's supposed to go away. What's with this "friends" nonsense?

Posted: **Mon May 19, 2008 5:32 pm**

I try to remain friends with my ex-girlfriends. When you think about it, if you had enough in common for both of you to become so intimate in the first place, why should you turn into enemies just because one (or both) of you came to the realization that it wasn't a perfect match after all? That's pretty damn egotistical.

In my experience, over the long term it has usually worked out OK and the desire to "hook back up" hasn't been a problem (at least on my part). However in most cases, getting to that point has usually required a "cooling-off" period (from about a month to several years completely away from each other) after the breakup, for any bad feelings on either side to dissipate. Once you get to the point where you can see your "ex" out in public again without feeling too awkward, then you know you're probably ready to have a go at approaching him/her as "just a friend". If he/she will have none of it, then they obviously need more time. It's very important though that you do not make an attempt or even think about "getting back together" with them, because (in my experience, anyway) doing so will only lead to trouble.

I'd say NOT CRAP in general because it's really cool when it works out OK, but big waffles because of course in some situations it just ain't gonna happen.

Posted: **Tue May 20, 2008 10:50 am**

DrAwkward wrote:I can't imagine why anyone would want to completely cut someone who was that important to them out of their lives. Be a fucking adult.

burun wrote:Maybe it's because they were all emotional cripples and couldn't deal with acting mature after the breakup?

Marsupialized wrote:Y'all need to grow the fuck up, like a bunch of schoolchildren here.

Sorry, but I have to call bullshit on all three of you.

Plenty of people are indeed emotionally dysfunctional, but others are simply guilty of falling deeply in love and having their dreams shattered while otherwise being completely mature. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that anyone who deals with relationships and breakups in a purely detached, businesslike manner (and expects everyone else to do so regardless of the relationship's circumstances and the personalities involved) is the emotionally immature one in need of a few good life experiences.

What a pathetic world we live in if it's a crime to be heartbroken. It's natural. It's part of life. It is what it is.

I've been on both sides of heartbreak. If she needed me much more than I needed her, and I initiated the breakup, what exactly does she owe me, friendship or otherwise? She's entitled to feel hurt; she's entitled to space, and she's entitled to do what it takes to get past it if it means never seeing me again. Expecting her to "shut up and suck it up" after I just fucked up her life is unreasonable and self-serving. If she wants back in my life as a friend, she's always welcome. Dragging her back in against her will while berating her for "not growing up" is an emotionally immature asshole move in and of itself.

Looking back, I'm friends with exes myself, but those relationships were really nothing more than glorified "friends with benefits" setups with the occasional parental visit. The deeper the relationship, the greater the hurt and the messier the breakup. Ever notice how most divorcees aren't friends with their exes regardless of emotional maturity level?

Posted: **Tue May 20, 2008 11:00 am**

FuzzBob wrote:Plenty of people are indeed emotionally dysfunctional, but others are simply guilty of falling deeply in love and having their dreams shattered while otherwise being completely mature. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that anyone who deals with relationships and breakups in a purely detached, businesslike manner (and expects everyone else to do so regardless of the relationship's circumstances and the personalities involved) is the emotionally immature one in need of a few good life experiences.

What a pathetic world we live in if it's a crime to be heartbroken. It's natural. It's part of life. It is what it is.

I'm pretty sure that i'm still not 100% fully recovered from the heartbreak that resulted from my long-term 5-year gf and me breaking up two years ago. In fact, i know i'm not. I was incredibly broken, and like i said in the post that you quoted, we needed a span of a few months where we didn't talk or have any contact with each other--a span that i initiated because i knew it was the only way we were going to be able to be friends down the road (just about every interaction we were having at the time was a "we're trying to be friends but getting into huge fights" thing). Thankfully, it worked, and we're still the best of friends.

She's getting married to the dude she met after me, but i'm not going, because i'm fairly sure i couldn't handle it. But for fuck's sake, at least we're still friends. I'm not saying act like nothing ever happened and be comfortable with still being part of every little detail of their lives, but jeez, if you can't at least make the effort to keep someone you thought was an awesome person in your life because you're so broken up over it, that just seems sad to me. And believe you me, my friends can vouch for how fucked up *i* was. Practically rendered my enjoyment of an entire tour we went on that year impossible.

(I'll reiterate that exceptions are in order for obvious instances of mental/physical abuse or torment. Those exes can fuck right off, naturally.)

Posted: **Tue May 20, 2008 11:14 am**

FuzzBob wrote: It's natural. It's part of life. It is what it is.

Somebody fuckin' itiswhatitised the thread.

CRAP

Posted: **Tue May 20, 2008 11:19 am**

Wood Goblin wrote:
Nina wrote:
Earwicker wrote:Also re my girlfriend. When we first began going out (over five years ago now) she wanted to remain close friends with her ex and I wouldn't have it.

I would never date a guy who would not allow my pre-existing friendships, no matter who they were....

I mostly agree with you, Nina, but I think Earwicker made the right choice here. It's one thing if both parties in the former couple are on the same page, but in this case, they weren't. The ex-boyfriend was actively attempting to subvert their relationship. It doesn't matter whether the ex would never succeed. The fact that he's trying is reason enough to ask her to jettison him.

What the Goblin said.

Bare in mind I wasn't like some foot stamping jealous maniac refusing to allow her to be seen near him or anything. We had mutual friends and I never objected to us being out together - with him there - and had no problem with them maintaining a superficial friendship.
It was the closeness that was the problem and my awareness of the fact that he would try and throw spanners into the works - which he later tried to do. It's all well and good saying 'well, you should trust your relationship' but, I would suggest, that is naive and is the kind of right on thing people regret telling themselves as their relationship crumbles around them.
There was little to be gained from the maintaining of a close relationship with him and a lot of potential complication and hassle.
Why not avoid it was my philosophy - and it still is.

I'm not sure where these charges of immaturity are aimed on here to be honest. You could say it is immature to not be able to cope with the friend maintenance but you could just as easily say it is immature to expect it to work out platonically with no emotional complications (especially if a third (or forth) party is involved).
I personally wouldn't make a call on that.

I would only say that when throwing a charge of immaturity it should be borne in mind that there is always more than one person's maturity to consider. A sensible (and mature?) person should take such things into consideration when trying to establish how to behave in any given situation.

Posted: **Tue May 20, 2008 11:43 am**

Jesus are you people fucked up in the head.

You date some person, you stop dating them. Maybe you see them and say hello maybe you don't. Who fucking cares. Big fucking deal.
There are millions and millions and million of people meeting, dating, fucking, breaking up all over the world right now.
That's what humans do. You and your fucking girlfriend are nothing special, your situation is nothing special...it's all been done a billion times before with more style and class than you could ever even envision.
Getting so wrapped up in another human being is probably not such a good idea. Seeing another human being as the be all and end all center of your world....man, you are in for a load of shit at some point because you are not living in reality.
Not only is it not ever a good idea but it's fucking pathetic. Shows someone for what they are, a sniveling emotional weakling who can't handle these feelings that arise when this magical imaginary 'connection' happens with someone.
My god, it's like we've known each other for years! I feel like someone finally really understands me!

For real, some of you need to see someone about your issues before you go on one more date.

Posted: **Tue May 20, 2008 11:46 am**

Charlie D wrote:For real laughs, try being your ex's roommate.

For even greater, belly laughs, try being your ex's roommate, immediately being friends, and working with them. Jesus H. Christ, that is a mistake you do not want to make. Trust me!

I think the ability to become friends afterwards relies heavily on how the relationship worked and ended. My ex initiated our break up in a very dramatic, public fashion(at a crowded, noisy bar) with terrible timing(two weeks after signing a new lease for our apartment. Also, the night we broke up, she had two friends in from out of town, thus we had absolutely no privacy). This kind of shit will make me not want to be friends with someone, regardless how close we once were. Then again, we weren't exactly made for each other, so it's better that way.

Posted: **Tue May 20, 2008 11:48 am**

Charlie D wrote:For real laughs, try being your ex's bandmate.

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