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The worst part of it now is the feeling of being trapped.

My shit's more under control now than it has been in the past; yet I still:

- Have to plan my day and my trips (e.g. hotel stays within walking distance of bars, etc.) around when and how I can get a drink (this is true about caffeine, too...)

- Wake up some days hung over, declaring I'm not going to have a drink that day, only to change my mind 8 hours later

- Get depressed about how pathetic I must look to others.

Onward.

Couple of months ago I noticed swelling around my ankles. Chalked it up to daily bouts of wine drinking. I'd cut out most beer by that point because I felt it was putting on the lbs. So I went nuts and cut out alcohol completely. Made it for a few weeks, but recently have started back...gingerly.

During the pandemic I started therapy. First dude didn't work out. Second was a little better, but he still wasn't the best fit. That said, he did mention something that I thought hard about. It was something to the effect that I don't really know who I am because I've been drinking for so long. I've been drinking since I was a freshman in high school. I started hs when I was 13yo. Do you even know who you are in high school? Is there a 13/14yo-Randy in me waiting to get out?

My friend has been sober for a couple years. He heroically white knuckled through DTs, sweats, hallucinations choosing not to sign into a program. He looks 10 years younger than he did a few years ago.

We caught up over coffee and he said he feels like he can enjoy an 18 year Scotch for his birthday because he can't afford a second one. My mind flashed a big red light to that idea but didn't know if it was my place to say. I still think about that every few days. I should check in.

losthighway wrote: Mon Aug 01, 2022 9:13 am My friend has been sober for a couple years. He heroically white knuckled through DTs, sweats, hallucinations choosing not to sign into a program. He looks 10 years younger than he did a few years ago.

We caught up over coffee and he said he feels like he can enjoy an 18 year Scotch for his birthday because he can't afford a second one. My mind flashed a big red light to that idea but didn't know if it was my place to say. I still think about that every few days. I should check in.

Every person deals with addiction differently, of course, but if he had the fucking DTs when he withdrew before... I'd agree with what you implied that him having a scotch for his birthday sounds like a very bad idea.

I've been extremely fortunate to have never gotten that bad, probably not even close, and it hasn't ruined my life, either... but I'm still on the hook, and it sucks.

rsmurphy wrote: Mon Aug 01, 2022 9:05 am Couple of months ago I noticed swelling around my ankles. Chalked it up to daily bouts of wine drinking. I'd cut out most beer by that point because I felt it was putting on the lbs. So I went nuts and cut out alcohol completely. Made it for a few weeks, but recently have started back...gingerly.

During the pandemic I started therapy. First dude didn't work out. Second was a little better, but he still wasn't the best fit. That said, he did mention something that I thought hard about. It was something to the effect that I don't really know who I am because I've been drinking for so long. I've been drinking since I was a freshman in high school. I started hs when I was 13yo. Do you even know who you are in high school? Is there a 13/14yo-Randy in me waiting to get out?

Firstly, I'm proud of you for going to therapy. It can be as challenging as starting any other relationship, especially because the hopes are that this relationship will solve all our problems. It's scary to put yourself out there to someone you don't really know, and there's no guarantee that it will be a good match. So cheers to you for being brave.

Secondly, to answer the question of "Is there a 13/14yo-Randy in me waiting to get out" is YES, and it's the best Randy! It's the one who has youthful innocence, believes in himself, and hasn't been corrupted by the darkness and pain of adult life. You may have already been in pain and confusion at 13, but he is at least the gateway to the purest version of yourself. He is still alive in there and longing for you to nurture him, which you already do when you do creative or healthy things. Keep treating yourself as you would treat this child and you will be OK. We love you Randy!

Chud Fusk wrote:It can be as challenging as starting any other relationship

Most of my relationships have been musical or purely sexual. Maybe requesting their Top 5 records of all time and kinks wasn't appropriate, but there needs to be some sort of give and take.

to answer the question of "Is there a 13/14yo-Randy in me waiting to get out" is YES, and it's the best Randy!

Nah. That dude was closeted and afraid of wet flour. A big old mess.

^ Is it an inevitability to fantasize having sex with one's therapist?

Something about telling all of your feelings to someone?

It happened to me, though in my case my therapist was a cute middle-aged woman. I am guessing I wouldn't have felt that way if my therapist was a dude.

I digress, once again.

jfv wrote: Mon Aug 01, 2022 4:11 pm ^ Is it an inevitability to fantasize having sex with one's therapist?

Idk I was just kidding. I mean, I fantasize about having sex pretty much with any guy I happen to run across.

I'm doing it rn.

A therapist is completely desexed to me. I feel more comfortable regarding them as a robot.

Then again even arriving at the point of "telling feelings" makes me feel sick. Smiles and sympathetic words makes me hate them. Making those relationships work has presented some troubles.

kokorodoko wrote: Mon Aug 01, 2022 6:08 pm Then again even arriving at the point of "telling feelings" makes me feel sick. Smiles and sympathetic words makes me hate them. Making those relationships work has presented some troubles.

I feel like finding the right one is more difficult than the actual work.