Sean Combs, you have a perfectly respectable given name, and I've never understood your strange desire to call yourself by far more foolish monikers. Everyone knows it's still you. Nevertheless, your choice to shorten your current foolish name to "Diddy" was a far smarter move than being honest and going with "Shithead".

Joan of Arc, you're better at sucking than most other bands I've heard.

Modest Mouse. You are a very good band.

But I hate you.

Human Eye, you own nice synths.

Saturday Looks Good to Me, you inspire me creatively, as i went home directly from your show and wrote a song called "Limp-dicked Smarmy Twee-Pop Douchebags from Michigan Who Smirk On Stage Because They Were Fucking SO Clever to Reference Goddamn Belle and Sebastian in a Song Lyric Make Me Want to Do Crack and Blow The Smoke Up Their Dingholes Until it Burns Their Urethral Tubing (With the Force of 1,000 Suns)."

hey, Foo Fighters....I bet your girlfriends aren't fat
Hey Smoking Popes.....you...uh...well....suck real bad, sorry couldn't do it

The Clash, you used telecasters, and I like telecasters

micheal jackson, i hope "jordan, minnesota" will be played at your funeral.
the strokes, i swear big black has more interesting drum lines than you do.
...
ok i will try to say something really nice now...
sting, i envoy you the ability of having sex for like 8 hours straight or so.

Pete Townshend, other than Gary Glitter, you're my favorite pedophilic songwriter !

Roger Daltrey, you're a better singer than Fred Durst!

John Entwhistle, I hope all the money (and coke) was worth it.

Keith Moon--good call getting out early.

Pete Doherty, some people think your girlfriend is hot, well done!

Your moves were soooo fucking raw, Michael Hutchence from INXS.

I had to let you know.

You're one of my kind.