Just keep John Carpenter out of it:
Here's my preview:
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title card: At 30,000 feet, Lt. John Stockton never prepared for his greatest match...
cut to: Check-in counter.
Stewardess: You're all set, Mr. Stockton.
Stockton: Thank you ma'am. (trademark Sam Jackson grin) They serve alcohol on this flight, don't they? (check-in lady giggles sheepishly)
Man behind Stockton is of middle-eastern descent, with a huge flight case and darting eyes.
Cut to: Plane, in coach. Stockton makes small talk with a younger boy, reading a book about snakes.
Boy: So, do you carry a gun with you?
Stockton: Of course, but there aren't any bad guys on this plane- that's just in the movies. (CU on boy, all gooey-eyed, Stockton guffaws).
Cut to: Pilot speaking on the intercom in the cockpit.
Pilot: Well, we're almost at 30,000 feet, we should be arriving in Los Angeles at around 3 in the afternoon. We might be hitting some mild turbulence going through Nevada, but nothing to worry about.
Cut to: Same middle-eastern man we saw before, but now in a steward's uniform w/ a blonde wig, using his case as a beverage cart. CU on older gentleman with a salt and pepper moustache.
Older gentleman: Could I have some coffee please?
Middle-eastern man starts pouring coffee, then throws the cup in his face, opening up his case of snakes, one of which wraps around the old man's neck and strangles him. Pandemonium ensues, shot of Stockton w/ a panicked look.
Stockton: Oh my god. (shouting) He's brought snakes on a plane!
Several shots of Stockton being a bad-ass, then a single shot of a man, thinking he has escaped the snakes, hiding behind the bathroom door. He breathes a sigh of relief. SHOT OF HUGE FUCKING SNAKE COMING STRAIGHT AT THE SCREEN, then:
SNAKES ON A PLANE