Anthony Flack wrote:honeyisfunny wrote:Until our hero returned from school the next day to find his parents had decided to have the dog put down. Best thing for it, at his age, shitting on the furniture.Sounds like they loved the sofa more than the dog. Sad.You don't know the East Midlands evidently.

honeyisfunny wrote:A few of these stories start with a "this happened to a friend of mine' and this is no different but I can assure you it can be traced directly to it's origin. It is, however, another 'accidental poop' story. My bandmate's schoolfriend has just started in his first sexual relationship as a young man and, knowing his parents were going out for the evening, had invited his girlfriend over. They were going at it on the family sofa in the front room, a particularly tasteful white suede affair I should add. Overcome with their new-found excellence at sexual intercourse, the young couple decide to experiment with other close-by holes.Just as the act of penetration occurred, the young couple heard the front door open - the kid's parents had come home slightly earlier than expected. So, in a flowing reflex action, the couple quickly part, pull jeans etc up and sit suitably far apart on the white couch looking innocent.Parents enter, say hi and exchange small talk until all their eyes are slowly drawn to a single, tiny nugget of poo on the sofa between the young couple. ("Around the size of a Toffifee" for anyone familiar with the sweet)Thinking quickly and heroically, the kid slowly shakes his head and explains that the family dog had just shat on the pristine white sofa. Genius. He expands to say they had stopped him and shooed him off but one piece had dropped out. The dog's old, he can't help it. Poor thing.The parents bought it. A miracle had truly occurred. All was well.Until our hero returned from school the next day to find his parents had decided to have the dog put down. Best thing for it, at his age, shitting on the furniture.Evening: ruined.

emmanuelle cunt wrote:Tommy wrote:"Do you want to fuck me?""Sure. I could take it or leave it."Epic.Exactly. You said the right thing. She just didn't appreciate it.

I don't know what it is but usually about 4 weeks around my birthday every year is the only time I have any sort of mojo with the ladies. On my 30th birthday I found myself at a party where I didn't know the hostess. Turns out the party was a celebration for her birthday, the same as mine. A few hours go by and the party is winding down. Hostess invites me and some friends to stay over. Out of nowhere she exclaims she'll be sharing the sofa bed with me. Whoa! Okay.Lights are down, people are coupled up in different rooms and I'm making out hardcore with birthday girl. She asks if I have a condom, which of course, I do not. She says, "That's okay. I've got some in my night stand. You just have to go get it."I say, "Okay, in a minute."Third base continues.She's whispers repeatedly, "I want you to fuck me." "Do you want to fuck me?"Me, trying to keep it cool decides that I don't want to seem too eager, so for some fucking reason these words come out of my mouth, "Sure. I could take it or leave it."Guess who didn't get laid?Luckily I got to have a 3-way the next night with a couple of art school girls.

honeyisfunny wrote: Overcome with their new-found excellence at sexual intercourse, the young couple decide to experiment with other close-by holes.Just as the act of penetration occurred, the young couple heard the front door open - the kid's parents had come home slightly earlier than expected. So, in a flowing reflex action, the couple quickly part, pull jeans etc up and sit suitably far apart on the white couch looking innocent.This part reminds me of a frightening story Marsupialized posted somewhere on the forum about a coworker.

Tommy Alpha wrote: œWhen I fuck her, I just make sure that most of her is out of the window At first I was ! but then I was ? and then I was ! again but I'm still ?

I recommend the Shane Meadows films "This Is England" and "Dead Man's Shoes" for a quick and simple up-to-speed on our local area and some of it's inhabitants, moral outlook and culture.

eliya wrote:This story sounds very similar to the fifth episode of the third season of the Inbetweeners. Was that friend of yours writing for the show?I'm going to chase the origin of the story at the weekend as, much like my beloved 'women's cardigan as emergency trousers' story (told to me by the "source" and then later told as an example of an urban myth by Ricky Gervais) I fear bullshit also.

So there was this guy who used to work at my friend s workplace. He works for a lighting company and this guy worked in the warehouse. Before my mate s time there, but the guy has become legendary. I can t remember his name, but let s call him ˜Duane . ˜Duane wasn t the brightest bulb, let s say. Once, as he was walking around the warehouse, a colleague noticed something strange under the brim of his backwards baseball cap, just above his collar. Kind of liquid but solid. Bubbly, even. œ Duane the guy asked. œWhat s going on with your... œNah, leave it man... œNo, seriously, what s that thing on your neck? œNah man, leave it. Just leave it out, yeah? It eventually transpires that ˜Duane , so inspired by the video for Sisqó s ˜The Thong Song , had decided to colour his hair silver. He achieved this by spraying his head with metallic car paint.Anyway, ˜Duane came in one day seeking the advice of his workmates. œI ve got a bit of a problem. I m seeing this girl, yeah? She s well fit and everything, but she stinks They all agreed that it was a tricky situation, and one with no easy answers. They could offer little in the way of advice. ˜Duane came in the next day, chipper as all get out. œDon t worry boys, I ve sorted it They were no doubt surprised, as ˜Duane was seemingly not a capable man. How had he broached the subject? How did he phrase it delicately enough to maintain a relationship? What had ˜Duane pulled out of the bag? œWhen I fuck her, I just make sure that most of her is out of the window A well suited couple indeed.

Charlie D wrote:Tommy Alpha wrote: œWhen I fuck her, I just make sure that most of her is out of the window At first I was ! but then I was ? and then I was ! again but I'm still ?Yup, pretty much.