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Seriously Compressing the Dumbshit

604 by Andrew L_Archive
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Crucifix NG (Next Generation) is the principal work of the Faith-Based Electronics Group at the Interactive Televangelist Program (ITP). Crucifix NG is a printed electronic circuit board in the shape of a crucifix. This handheld, wall-mountable device houses a battery-operated transmitter that broadcasts an ASCII, non-denominational version of the Lord's Prayer at 916 megahertz. (916 has no numerological significance - it is simply a function of the availability of low-cost transmission chips within this FCC license-free bandwidth.)

Many people affix crucifixes and other religious iconography to the walls of their homes for metaphysical security. Crucifix NG goes a step further, bathing a physical space in an anointed electromagnetism. The signal is strong enough to fill the average size room, perfect for use at home or at the office, and is received by any object that acts as an antenna. As electronic objects may be the strongest antennas within range, believers will see a marked improvement in the security of their devices, both at the software and hardware levels, whether the device in question is a cell phone, portable music player, or computer.

The power of Crucifix NG is even stronger when one considers that the human body itself is an effective antenna. While we are not tuned to perceive electromagnetic signals at 916 Mhz, our body receives these signals nonetheless. In a gallery context, all people within range of the signal receive the Lord's Prayer, their bodies imbued with an anointed electromagnetism, and it is beyond their ability to accept or reject this transmission. It simply happens to them. And as the transmission is entirely invisible, the only evidence of it is noted on the placard next to the device. Even then, the gallery visitor has no verifiable way of knowing that the signal is being either transmitted or received. After all, it is a faith-based initiative. The battery will eventually run out. And it may not matter.
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