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by kenoki_Archive
i'm not depressed, but i've always been a solitary person -- we moved to a different city every 2 years -- and fairly sensitive, which lead me to a psychiatrist after 9th grade geometry teacher had the school nurse call me into the teacher's lounge for a private conversation due to concerns that i was depressed because i spent a lot of time alone and didn't love to chat it up.
they thought i was an insomniac, when really i just liked to stay up all night, and that i was clinically depressed, so i was initially prescribed welbutrin and sleeping pills. when i was still a lonely, attention-seeking, sad teenager (imagine that) they switched me to zoloft, which gave me the shakes, so for that i also got xanax. while on zoloft i found it unusually difficult to deal with upsetting situations and did a lightweight attempt at killing myself, but they took that as meaning i was STILL depressed (rather than suddenly depressed) and switched me to paxil (still with xanax and sleeping pills).
at that point, being a compulsive liar and really into drama, a diagnosis of clinical depression was sort of inspiring for my increasingly melodramatic self and thus provided me with the perfect get out of jail free card to act like a retard. therapists also used chemical imbalance as a scapegoat; eventually i actually believed that i had one and began to forget that i was depressed because of my environment, and not because i was born with an emotional handicap.
by age 19 i stopped taking everything. weening off had no effect on me either way except that i started to wise up and correct my behavior by confronting the problems head on -- you know, actually questioning my motivation behind unruly emotions and behavior rather than relying on the crutch of mental illness. although when i was 2o i gave the psych one last shot and she prescribed serazone (after a 20 minute conversation) which i took for 4 days before throwing away.
when i was 23 i began having my very first real psychological 'illness' which was not depression, but rather anxiety. i am always in an even mood but anxiety will warp and confuse your mind, especially if you aren't depressed and can't figure out where the hell it came from. initially i thought i was having heart problems or dying of some horrible disease. of course, i wasn't. so i was put on celexa, which made me insanely depressed from day one, so i stopped cold turkey and was all better within two days (anxiety still in full effect). i considered finding some xanax and, for once, using for something other than recreation but decided to deal with it myself. good move.
the anxiety comes and goes but i've learned that it's just a hyper mind focusing on situational issues i generally try not to think about (in this case, family), but once i brave up and deal with these things anxiety is gone like magic (after being debilitated for many months when i couldn't, and didn't, leave the house even to buy a soda because i'd go into shock!).
depression is real, i'll bet; anxiety is real, i know; and both can be exhausting and sometimes horrendous, but that doesn't mean one can't regain control of that creative brain, using the very same brain. i consider depression, anxiety, obsessive behavior to be an allergic reaction -- you just have to pick through and figure out what it is that's making you break the fuck out and then work on a mental prescription.
exercise and diet do help, if only to help you feel in control -- a healthy control -- of two aspects of your life. (especially true if you normally eat like crap and never exercise).
anyway, point is... yr brain will do some fucked up things, but 9 times out of 10 it's an external problem you (universal you) internalize. maybe you can't fix that something, but you can learn how to confront the issue, even if it takes months or years. that's what coping and mourning is all about -- working through rather than condemning it. psychiatrists, however much they say therapy first prescription last, don't abide and have no idea what they're doing like a girl trying to use red lipstick as undereye concealer -- colorblind experiments.
obviously meds help some people, say honest to god schizophrenics, but the majority of people are just looking for a quick fix or "a way to stabilize their emotions so they can deal with their problems with a level head" (which is code for: quick fix) while others are just into another excuse to feel out of their own control. you are born alone and you die alone, and unless you are very fortunate, have to deal alone so you may as well get on with it -- as with anything, the more you practice, the better you get.
also, if you want to read about how prozac is a mindfuck, wikipedia cage (the rapper).
the end!