I know it's a lot to ask, but I've been sending this out for over six months and am getting very few call backs, so what the hell. Any advice is appreciated.

I've been sending the following out, with slight revisions to reflect the position.



To Whom It May Concern,

I wanted to take the time to express my interest in the (JOB TITLE) position advertised on (WEBSITE). I've been working in project management, quality assurance, quality improvement, and process development for eight years and I'm confident that I would be a great addition to your team.

My resume highlights my experience in the government, consulting and non-profit fields. While with the Iraq Survey Group, I managed more than thirty people, both American and foreign nationals, reviewing and analyzing classified, highly sensitive material using the systems I'd developed. While working as a project manager for a consulting firm called Valtera, I worked with clients like Coca-Cola and Starbucks, helping them design various types of survey tools to measure exactly what they were interested in learning from both customers and their employees. Most recently, during my time at Illinois Action for Children, I was able to develop a compliance program and quality assurance department from the ground up geared toward improving nearly every aspect of the agency's work, handling multiple projects from the planning stages to implementation; all while continuing to meet the department's goals. I feel that these experiences, as well as the others shown in the resume that I've attached, would make me a valuable asset to your team.

I am excited about the (JOB TITLE) position and the opportunity to help (COMPANY NAME) succeed. Thank you in advance for your time. Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

Looks pretty impressive to me. You could make the middle part shorter. Maybe they just get tired of reading.

The letter looks fine, the only points I'd bring up are:

- I would make sure that the letter is tailored very specifically to the specification of the job you're applying to. In this pro forma, the job you're applying to is barely mentioned. If you can relate the examples you give of your experience to the job you're applying for, then if they've got half a brain they'll realise that you're genuinely enthusiastic about it. (Even if you are sort-of-not...) If the spec given is not detailed enough, I think that it is a good idea to cold call the firm's HR function to ask.

- Give them some idea of why their particular role attracts you. If you are actually excited about it, concisely mention why. If you aren't really excited about it, but still would like an interview, well, bullshit away. I remember the phrase "I would relish the opportunity" being bandied about a lot in applications when me and my contemporaries were going for full time jobs.

- If at all possible, address the letter to a person rather than "To whom it may concern". Again I suppose that this depends on the spec given; but again you could call the firm and ask to whom you need to send it. (I'm saying as I know a couple of people in commerce who bin unsolicited letters which are not addressed to them by name - I realise that this would be different for an HR department.)

- Personally, I'd make some of the sentences shorter e.g. "I developed a compliance program" rather than "I was able to develop..." Or "punchier", if you wish.

reads pretty nice to me - but at the same time it sorta reads like you did everything a resume book told you to do, and sorta reads like 90% of the cover letters i see. this is a fine line and may be totally off base in your industry (i honestly don't know) but maybe if it were a little less "professional". we're in a recession now, and yours is one of like 1000 cover letters the hiring manager is sifting through. the tone of it (while very good) is most likely very similar to all the others coming across the desk. also, it seems like you kind of rehash what's in your resume (presumably). when they flip to the resume, they should be able to see in bullet points that at blah blah you did XYZ.

cut to the chase, don't be so nice. (the opening is a little wishywashy - you're talking about what you're about to do instead of just doing it ya know? of course you're interested in the job, they're reading your cover letter they received in response to a posting.

I wanted to take the time to express my interest in the (JOB TITLE) position advertised on (WEBSITE). I've been working in project management, quality assurance, quality improvement, and process development for eight years and I'm confident that I would be a great addition to your team.

vs

I'm interested in the (JOB TITLE) position advertised on (WEBSITE). I've been working in PM, QA, quality improvement, and process development for eight years and would be a great addition to your team.

[dumb abbreviations but still, shows you know the lingo of the industry and cut to the chase. time is money.]

think about what can make yours stick out from the stack. strive for efficiency in your sentences, make every word on those 2 sheets be unique and moving your agenda forward. no reason to repeat yourself in places. i HATE it when i get a resume that spans to 2 or 3 pages. you know what, i don't need to know EVERYTHING, i just need to know THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS THAT CAN FIT ON 2 SHEETS OF PAPER.

along the same lines

While working as a project manager for a consulting firm called Valtera, I worked with clients like Coca-Cola and Starbucks, helping them design various types of survey tools to measure exactly what they were interested in learning from both customers and their employees.

vs

As project manager for Valtera I worked with Coca-Cola and Starbucks, helping them design survey tools to measure complex customer and employees data.

in this revision - i'm just trimming fat. of course coke and starbucks are clients, you work for valtera. what valtera is [consulting firm] isn't anywhere near as important as WHAT you did and for WHOM. also think about phrasing your statements in way that gives them something to ask you in the phone screening.

so... what are these complex survey tools you worked with coke and starbucks on? don't be mr. mysterioso, but at the same time - give them a little bit to wonder and as a jumping off point to talk about your past acheivments.

all that said, those are all dumb minor style quibbles which may be irrelevant to you. and everyone has an opinion on this stuff and will be sure their way is best. but at the same time like you said, you haven't gotten any bites in 6 mo. those are things that would make me bring a resume to the front (but i work in web so take that w/a grain of salt).

The key to any sort of business letter or proposal is to chunk the information using white space. Keep sentences short.

Another good idea is to use an old/new pattern in your paragraphs. You start with old information ("I") and end the sentence with new information ("job title"). This is rather hard in resumes, where you're focusing on fitting a whole lot of new information in a limited space.

You did a great job of putting action in the verbs and stringing information together. I changed things up just a bit. I based these changes on all sorts of technical communication books and classes floating around my brain. Of course, taking a little from this edit, other edits, and your own edits will make the strongest letter.
And nick92675 is right: throw in some lingo. Just be careful not to make it hard for HR folks to read.

Good luck!

Dear Mr./Ms. ______:

I am writing in response to your advertisement on [WEBSITE] for the [JOB TITLE] position.
I have eight years’ experience in project management, quality assurance, quality improvement, and process development, and I am confident that I would be a great addition to [COMPANY NAME]’s team. Please consider me for this position.

My resume highlights my experience in the government, consulting, and non-profit fields. While with the Iraq Survey Group, I managed more than thirty employees--both American and foreign nationals--reviewing and analyzing classified, highly sensitive material using the systems I developed.

As a project manager for Valtera, I worked with such clients as Coca-Cola and Starbucks, helping them design survey tools to measure precise data from both customers and employees.

Most recently, during my time at Illinois Action for Children, I developed a compliance program and quality assurance department that improved many aspects of the agency's work. My program handled multiple projects from the planning stages to implementation, while continuing to meet the department's goals. I feel that these experiences, as well as the others shown in the attached resume, would make me a valuable asset to [COMPANY NAME]’s team.

I am excited about the (JOB TITLE) position and the opportunity to help (COMPANY NAME) succeed. I look forward to discussing the position, my skills, and the needs of [COMPANY NAME].
You can reach me at (xxx)xxx-xxxx or tcia@prf.com.

Sincerely,

hug wrote:

Dear Mr./Ms. ______:

In school, they taught us to avoid "To whom it may concern", so this was the first thing that caught my eye.

To Whom It May Concern,

I wanted to take the time to express my interest in the (JOB TITLE) position advertised on (WEBSITE). I've been working in death management, quantity assurance and airborne disease development for eight years and I'm confident that I would be a great addition to your kill squad.

My resume highlights my experience in the government, consulting and bio-chemical fields. While with the Iraq Kill Rangers, I managed to incinerate more than thirty people, both American and foreign nationals, destroying classified, highly sensitive material using the systems I'd developed. While working as a project manager for a paramilitary consulting firm called Rape-Let’s, I worked with clients like Lockheed Martin and Blackwater, helping them design various types of survey tools to measure exactly how many people can be killed for very little money. Most recently, during my time at Islamic Action for Israel, I was able to develop a nuclear program and terror training department from the ground up geared toward improving nearly every aspect of the agency's work, handling multiple projects from the planning stages to implementation; all while continuing to meet the department's goals. I feel that these experiences, as well as the others shown in the resume that I've attached, would make me a valuable asset to your team.

I am excited about the (JOB TITLE) position and the opportunity to help (COMPANY NAME) succeed. Thank you in advance for your time. Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

i don't know what the professional guides say about writing letters like this, but as CEO of a corporation which young people try to apply to all the fucking time (unsolicited), i can tell you that the "to whom it may concern" line is, right off the bat, sort of stupidly formal, off-putting, and screams "i read a book about how to apply for this job". every cover letter in the pile of applications will begin "to whom it may concern".

having said that, i don't have a better suggestion for you, aside from going out of your way to find out WHO will be receiving your application.

ignore my two cents, if you like.

jayryan wrote:as CEO

Creative Envelope Organizer?

jayryan wrote:i don't know what the professional guides say about writing letters like this, but as CEO of a corporation which young people try to apply to all the fucking time (unsolicited), i can tell you that the "to whom it may concern" line is, right off the bat, sort of stupidly formal, off-putting, and screams "i read a book about how to apply for this job". every cover letter in the pile of applications will begin "to whom it may concern".

having said that, i don't have a better suggestion for you, aside from going out of your way to find out WHO will be receiving your application.

ignore my two cents, if you like.

Dear Mr. Jay "CEO" Ryan,

I wanted to take the time to express my interest in the official "Troll" position advertised on your website (www.thebirdmachine.com - in case you forgot.) I've been working in underground management, quality malfeasance, quality sabotage, and process hindering for eight years and I'm confident that I would be a decrepit addition to your team.

My resume highlights my experience in the government, consulting and alfalfa fields. While with the I Rock Survey Group, I managed more than thirty people, both American and brown people, reviewing and analyzing classified, highly sensitive materials recorded by Steve Albini using the walkman stereo cassette player I was given as a child. While working as a troll manager for a consulting firm called Viagra, I worked with clients like Ted Kennedy and Ron Jeremy, helping them design various types of support tools to measure exact lengths and girths, which was what they were interested in learning from both customers and their employees. Most recently, during my time at Illinois Children Inaction, I was able to disrupt a compliance program and quality assurance department from below the ground up geared toward impairing nearly every aspect of the agency's work, crippling multiple projects from the planning stages to implementation; all while continuing to disappoint the department's goals. I feel that these experiences, as well as the others shown in the resume that I've attached, would make me a vulnerable ass to your team.

I am excited about the "Troll" position and the opportunity to help The Bird Machine plummet. Thank you in advance for your time. Please do not contact me if you have any questions.

Sincerely,