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ex-wife (f46) is asking me to renew our kid's (f15) passport so she can go on a european cruise in august with just her parents (m70, f70) and their church friend, "uncle" al (age?). our son (m18) was not invited due to "budget constraints." they could only afford 2 cabins on the ship. one for the men, one for grandma and granddaughter. they bought the tickets already but i was informed via text less than 24 hours ago. and it was only mentioned that "uncle" al was funding this after i questioned why my boring elderly chinese speaking in-laws are taking my daughter to europe for no real reason.

"uncle" al has been hanging out with my kids for years. he bought my son an apple watch (which he won't wear, but that's beside the point). he takes them to the museum and they play tennis. he has his own children. his wife passed away. if you asked me why, i would say he's just a kind old chinese man because i trusted my ex-wife's judgment and my kids don't say anything negative about him. maybe he sees them as a charity case (making me the bad guy?),
but now.... i don't know. i think she's taking my trust too far on this one. i still have not met this man.

my concerns:

• kid wants a buddy. she is not going to want to hang out with three old people and vice versa. so she will take off on her own. how does mom not realize this?
• kid needs a chaperone. different side of the same coin. as the only english speaking adult on this journey, this job will fall on "uncle" al. again, why should i trust a man i have never met?
• son is being excluded. if this trip is so special to daughter, then it is equally so for son. he is graduating this year, so why not let him go? (answer given, "they're cheap!" well, which is it? can't have it both ways.) he is also old enough to satisfy my above concerns about daughter. not ideal, but i could be convinced.
• concern about "uncle" al. i don't even know his last name.

Q: do you even trust your daughter?
A: i'll put her up against any of you boneheads at 15. yes, she's a "good kid" by any standard you like. but that means little. natalee holloway's parents probably trusted her too. i said she will start carrying mace this week and she was down.

Q: do you trust your ex-wife's judgment?
A: sigh, i guess not. not when she's calling me the asshole. she can't tell me when/where they are going. not when they bought the ticket without even asking me. not when she flat out types, "son really wishes he could go!" and then refuses to reason with me. not when i would probably still be unaware of all this if she didn't need my signature on the paperwork.

this whole situation is bothering me.
i welcome your judgment.

Yeah, it skeeves me out too. Would your wife allow the daughter to go on a cruise of the situation were flipped? Your parents (assuming they’re alive) plus “a friend from church” she hasn’t met?

Background check at the very least. Make it nonnegotiable.

You're not an arsehole for this reason.

I hesitate to provide too much judgment here due to the fact that there are probably an untold number of details that I'm unaware of about the history here. But my initial thoughts are as follows:

- If uncle "Al" has been around your kids for years, and your daughter's grandparents are also going and trust this man (?), I don't think uncle "Al" would be of too much worry to me

- Them excluding your son from the trip sucks, sucks, sucks. As parents, we've had to decide whether or not to spend a bunch of money on school-led trips for each of my daughters individually, without the other one or the rest of the family. Ultimately, we decided against spending money on those trips out of fairness to the entire family and said we'd go to said place as a family instead.

- I assume your daughter actually wants to go. Is that true? Have you talked to her at length about it? (your OP doesn't talk about this at all; it's only implied in the title of the thread)

I can only imagine what it's like to be a divorced parent, but at this point I think I'd be looking for any excuse to say no, mainly because of bullet point #2 above.

jfv wrote: Tue Mar 21, 2023 12:42 pm- I assume your daughter actually wants to go. Is that true? Have you talked to her at length about it? (your OP doesn't talk about this at all; it's only implied in the title of the thread)

good question. i only brought it up with daughter briefly over the phone and she said she was looking fwd to it. i said don't get your hopes up. she said she is more mature than big brother (in some respects that's true.) this won't be her only chance to go to europe. (in fact, mom said she would take them both to spain but that could very well be a bluff.)
cruises are baseline great, but you can only hang out with 3 old people for so long. we all have our limits.
"dream vacation" were mom's words. take that how you will.

try guy wrote:You're not an arsehole for this reason.

if i wanted this i would've posted on reddit.

hbiden@onlyfans.com wrote: Tue Mar 21, 2023 1:06 pm good question. i only brought it up with daughter briefly over the phone and she said she was looking fwd to it. i said don't get your hopes up. she said she is more mature than big brother (in some respects that's true.) this won't be her only chance to go to europe. (in fact, mom said she would take them both to spain but that could very well be a bluff.)
cruises are baseline great, but you can only hang out with 3 old people for so long. we all have our limits.
"dream vacation" were mom's words. take that how you will.

I'd probably try to figure out what to do via a face-to-face discussion between you, your ex, and your two kids, but I don't know your situation enough to know if this is possible or if all parties would agree to it.

If not, I would push the trip to Spain idea as an alternative. That sounds like a better situation.

- cruises suck and are a bad way to experience other places
- non-relative that you've never met is sus, even if he's a nice guy you don't know how much he's capable of actual chaperoning
- not taking your son is shitty! and also weird!

Well they gave the room to her cousin (18m).
Something about not wanting to wait around for me to approve.
When all mom had to do was pick up the phone and extend some common courtesy.
Call me the asshole, no question mark.

Sounds sketch, depends so much on the grandparents' relationship with kid that it's impossible to say.

Asshole, though, no. Total gut check.