This temporary FDA "OMG pull the tomatoes--the salmonella--sweet christ on a barbecue spit, the salmonella" recall has me at my damnedable wit's end during the lunch hour. For the last week or so, this recall has taunted me. On Monday i go try out the new sub shop that replaced the Erbert & Gerbert's on Water Street. Verdict? Bland and overpriced, but that's not the point. When i asked for tomatoes on my sub, i was still unaware of the recall. NO TOMATOES. "Wtf," asked i. The following day, after i had been made aware of the recall, i went to Subway. No tomatoes. My eye twitched. What what in the name of Samwell's butt was i supposed to replace my tomatoes with? More onions? Banana peppers? FUCK YOU PEOPLE. I WANT MY TOMATOES.
You may have gleaned this from this post already, but i love tomatoes. I have several friends who do not like tomatoes. These people are godless commie fuck heathens. Tomatoes are awesome. If i were the type who were in the habit of buying vegetables at the store, i would buy tomatoes for my salads and sandwiches, and then buy several more to slice and eat by their damn selves. Because tomatoes taste like awesome. If a three-year-old who had never eaten a tomato before asked me what a tomato tasted like (note: i am using a three-year-old in this example because i am fairly certain that human beings who live beyond the age of four without experiencing a tomato have come from a circumstance that has denied them a chance of ever living a meaningful life and therefore should be euthanized), i would say "they taste like AWESOME." That is how awesome tomatoes are.
Tomatoes are awesome.
On Friday before we left for Manitowoc, i purchased a "Boney Billy" turkey breast sub at the Erbert & Gerbert's near the Church of Murray. As i ate the sub while waiting for Yale to arrive, Rev.Ever alerted me to the fact that i had potentially disease-bearing tomatoes on my sandwich. Apparently E&G's didn't get the memo about the tomato recall. I stared at my sandwich for about 1.46 seconds before mentally shrugging and continuing to consume my sandwich. I ate the shit out of those tomatoes. If a potential demise at the hands of salmonella is my penalty for loving tomatoes too much to give a flying flip about some disease outbreak, then at least i will have lived a full and vibrant life, filled with tomatoes.
The tomato is the centerpiece of all that is American. Let me demonstrate: ketchup is made primarily from tomato paste and sugar. Ketchup makes hot dogs, the quintessential American processed food, delicious. Therefore, tomatoes are the garnish of freedom. Without ketchup, one is forced to overcompensate on their hot dog with such frivolities as pickle relish, peppers, and mustard. And then what do you have? A Chicago style hot dog. And everyone knows that Chicago blows and we're just keeping them in the country because Steve Albini lives there.
You can go ahead and explain to me how you don't like the texture of the tomato, or how you are put off by its mischaracterization as a vegetable, or how you are simply put off by the taste, or how you are deathly allergic to them. To you i will say, you are a pussy, you are an ugly semantics obsessive, you are confused, and you are a PUSSY.
Also, please patronize your local Erbert & Gerbert's shop because that franchise don't give no fucks 'bout no 'nilla.
Fuck this tomato recall. FUCK. IT.
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Marsupialized wrote:Thank you so much for the pounding, it came in handy.