12382
by bigc_Archive
Kris,
In September 2000 my Mom had two massive aneurysms erupt in her brain. My wife and I moved to Atlanta from Cincinnatti to be with my Dad and two siblings, to aid in caring for my Mom. She spent a month in a coma in ICU and another two months in physical therapy helping her learn to walk, brush her teeth, get dressed, etc. Since that time, none of her mental faculties has returned in any significant way and she posesses no short term memory. She is ambulatory and in a near constant state of dementia and confusion.
For the first year, we lived at my parents' house with her and my Dad. We cooked and cleaned and went to work and my Dad went to work. We are fortunate enough to have had the means to hire someone to sit with my Mom durign the day and help her bathe, get dressed, go on walks and stay out of physical danger. During this year, her mental capacity worsened and she took to having delusional psychotic episodes where she was convinced that somehting horrible was happening. She was right, I guess.
My family started seeing a neuropsychologist to help us understand what was going on with my Mom (she did not attend) and the doctor first told us that we should start looking into long term care facilities. The idea was an indescribably painful one to entertain. After another 6 months, we all felt like our difficulty and pain in the situation was doign my Mom more harm than good, so we started looking for a long term care facility. We eventually found one about 2 miles form my parents' house. It is extremely expensive ($2000/month), but my Mom was lucky enough to have long term care insuracne, and is also eligible for disability, so we are able to afford to keep her in the facility with a good bit of help from my Dad's income.
My Dad sees her almost every day, and me and each of my siblings sees her once a week. The benefit of the facility is that they are able to give her a level of consistency and independence that were unable to provide for her. We all still feel, at times, like we have abandoned her. The sad truth, as noted by her doctors and the neuropsychologist, is that the only real benefit our visits give her is the momentary smile on her face and the real benefits of physical and emotional interaction.
I know it is difficult, particularly so without the myriad options that money provides in these situations. You are not an asshole for lying, and you are right for getting some space for a couple of months. A situation like yours is one in which the idea that truth is a moral imperative becomes irrelevant. Right now, you are moving from restorative care to palliative care, and that is a huge emotional hurdle in which you are forced to accept the facts about your Mother's condition and, as such, have to care for her in a way that keeps her in the best spirits possible. Try to help her smile and enjoy what she can in life...not hold fast to an idea about truth that has no bearing for her.
Get away. You will be better for it and your ability to care for your Mother will be better for it. Being a stable, grounded, emotionally clear person is more important for everyone involved than holding fast to an idea of what your responsibilities are.
My Mom was also very independent. I know she would hate to see herself this way. Her very rare moments of clarity where she becomes aware of her situation are among the most painful moments I could ever have imagined for her and for my family.
I am thinking about you with hopes for strength, and an idea of what a loving, honorable human being you are.
PM me if you need to air it out.