195
by H-GM_Archive
I have gone through a considerable amount of time wondering where I should place my recent dalliance with relapsing. I've thought about the "Abstaining From Alcohol" thread in C/NC, the heroin thread, but they didn't feel right. At the start I should state that AA/12-Step don't work for me. It just doesn't. I don't consider myself different from anyone who suffers from this disorder/condition, but I know myself, and I know that the tools used in AA are tools that I find to be ineffective. While in the CMA program (Crystal Meth Anonymous) I began to explore other options, the most fitting being SMART Recovery. I have also never been to therapy a day in my life, more on that later. A little background:In late January of 2018 I went into a 28-day program, and then a 3-month in-patient treatment program for an addiction to crystal meth. In June of 2018 I was put back into the world. I was an excellent client who was respectful to staff, other clients, and to some extent the Program. I attended meetings for about a month after I got out of treatment, but then stopped going. I've kept in touch with close friends that I've made, including my sponsor, dropped all of the 12-step ephemera, and set myself on navigating a new world. Recently I relapsed, and relapsed sorta hard. Not hard in the way where I was slamming balls into my vein, but the timing could not have been worse and I find myself starting over from scratch with everything. I have so many dear friends from EA who supported and loved on me hard during rehab, and though I know you are still in my corner, I can't help but to think I'm starting over in some abstract way with you as well. I *know* I am bigger than this addiction to meth. I am fully aware that it is all wrapped and ensconced within my sexuality (for the record I don't need to be high to get down to business, but it would be a blatant lie if I ever said that I never think about slamming if I'm going to have sex. I think about it ALL THE TIME AND I THINK ABOUT SEX A LOT OF THE TIME) so for me, unfortunately, sex and slamming go hand-in-hand. Sex is natural, injecting chemicals into your body to release a seemingly endless supply of dopamine isn't. The reason why I bring up this dynamic is because it differs, I believe, from what alcoholics or opiate abusers go through. There was/is no detox for Crystal Meth, at least at the facility I first went into. I'm not blaming this relapse on the facility or the program, mind you. I'm a big boi and am responsible for my own mistakes and actions, but I am confused and angry about not...learning anything, I guess, except for in classes in the School of Hard Knocks. Which brings me to therapy. I know this would help immensely, but on the day that I was going into my first session I was still high and I just couldn't. At least I had the strength of mind to talk to my therapist, let him know what was going on, and to reschedule. And that leaves me typing on a keyboard to a bunch of people of who don't believe that In A Priest Driven Ambulance (With Silver Sunshine Stares) is a better record than Spiderland - and you don't need to fite me on that because I will beat your monkey ass.So, yeah, I relapsed, I'm starting over in every way a person who relapses has to start over. That said, I have a job interview at a corporation tomorrow, and another interview at a not-for-profit on Tuesday. So fucking glad this relapse didn't fuck-up those opportunities for me. I know a lot of addicts who aren't nearly as lucky as I am.Please excuse me if this wasn't the best place to post this, and please forgive me if I come across as dismissive as this is totally not my intent. Thanks for your attention.
murderedman wrote:Your problem is your bloc attitude.