FWIW: I have no interest in fighting the divorce. This is a person who has made it clear that they are not interested in changing at all to support each other or work through our resentments or ruptures... She's done and has no respect for me.cakes wrote: Thu Oct 09, 2025 12:26 pmIf your kid is 17, it's most likely going to happen anyway.major wrote: Thu Oct 09, 2025 11:46 am The only real advice I can give you right now is to drag it out until the kid is 18.
Ding ding!major wrote: Thu Oct 09, 2025 11:46 am Also I want to add another piece of advice that I know will sound much easier than it actually is, but if she wants a divorce, that’s that. Don’t try to fight it. Take the L. The only people that benefit from drawn out divorce proceedings are attorneys.
Re: Getting Divorced... Help
12That does suck, but sounds like the best case scenario then. Just try not to beat yourself up over it. “What did I do wrong?”, “What if…?”…fuck all that. Love yourself and the kid and focus on that. Stay positive. Again, I know this all sounds trite, but trust me. It was ultimately the “No Respect”* thing being the final nail in the coffin.themilford wrote: Thu Oct 09, 2025 12:36 pmFWIW: I have no interest in fighting the divorce. This is a person who has made it clear that they are not interested in changing at all to support each other or work through our resentments or ruptures... She's done and has no respect for me.cakes wrote: Thu Oct 09, 2025 12:26 pmIf your kid is 17, it's most likely going to happen anyway.major wrote: Thu Oct 09, 2025 11:46 am The only real advice I can give you right now is to drag it out until the kid is 18.
Ding ding!major wrote: Thu Oct 09, 2025 11:46 am Also I want to add another piece of advice that I know will sound much easier than it actually is, but if she wants a divorce, that’s that. Don’t try to fight it. Take the L. The only people that benefit from drawn out divorce proceedings are attorneys.
*she was a huge Rodney Dangerfield fan and wouldn’t stop playing his albums while I was trying to nap
Re: Getting Divorced... Help
13These are all relevant things regarding your divorce. You as a couple made the choice that you will take care of the house and the kids, as a stay at home dad. So, you haven't been in the workforce for the entirety of the marriage. Generally, depending on your state's laws regarding ownership, it's a 50/50 type of split, so you may be entitled to a lot more than you think, if you were to pursue it. Possibly even alimony, should you keep the house. I'm not a lawyer, but it seems there's a lot for your argument.themilford wrote: Thu Oct 09, 2025 12:33 pmmajor wrote: Thu Oct 09, 2025 11:41 amAssuming the “Why?” is in reference to your kid, it doesn’t sound like court mandated child support is something else you need on your plate right now.themilford wrote: Thu Oct 09, 2025 11:14 am
Thanks, Can you explicitly tell me why?
I need all the insight I can get.
To further complicate things, We were polyamorous for the last 6 months or so, which had it's issues but wasn't the cause of this (I know, I know) but certainly held up a magnifying glass to our deeper issues...
And my ex and I had a TON of problems that were evident when we first started dating and throughout our marriage, but after we ended up having a mutually agreed upon threesome with very strict parameters…well, it didn’t take long to realize, “Yeah, time to call it a day”.
Yeah, with my daughter in her senior year of HS and college on the horizon, I am afraid of this a little. The Irony is my wife's parents have the money to cover all of her college and then some, but are fucking weird with money. I'm pretty sure my wife knows coming at me for financial support would be a lost cause... She has said she expects to pay me alimony unless I try to keep her from selling the house in which she would ask that be off the table. For perspective, I have been a stay-home dad and homemaker through our whole marriage. I left the work-force when she became pregnant, this was a choice we both came to. As someone that is severely neurodivergent, an artist and a small business owner AND the one with building and carpentry skills, it just made sense for me to fill those rolls... So I only have sweat equity in the house and the relationship with very little financial contribution except what I could squeeze out of my labor of love Tronographic. I did all the shopping, cooking, house repairs, renovations, and upgrades, cared for our child, including bringing her to and from school and appointments, etc... and passing on any and all career or artistic opportunities and endeavors during along the way.
I want to find a mediator that basically understand modern gender roles are often reversed, and is sensitive to ADhD being a major factor for me moving on. And that Besides the typical home-maker I also was our contractor on our house and small business owner the whole time... My assets are tied up in the house that she wants to cut and run from. Which is disappointing, because years ago we always assumed that if a breakup happened one of us could rent the other apartment in the house and we could co-parent and cover the mortgage while I could retain my workshop in the cellar. She seems just amicable enough and wants mediation over lawyers, for cost and efficiency, but seems unwilling to start from a middle ground that accepts the position I am in. She also seems uninterested in what my daughter wants in terms of her inheriting the house. Which is really sad, as it was one of our shared dreams as a family.
Basically if I have to sell the house I will have to leave the city. I will likely have to sell off all my shop equipment and much of my studio. But even keeping the house and covering the mortgage myself will be daunting and likely impossible without a roommate or a huge change in my employment or both. Basically I feel double fucked.
Sorry, rambling and possibly sharing too much... I haven't even told my family yet, only a few close friends... I'm all fucked up.
If there's no real agreement on the house and she wants it without giving you anything back, I'm sorry to say that you should start to consider a lawyer at that point.
Honestly, I know it's difficult to take in now, but you should consider selling the house, the studio and your equipment and cut your losses, if anything to give you the freedom to start over. You don't want to put yourself in a situation where you will eventually need to do all of this, just to pay off debt and have nothing to show for it.
Have you ever considered handy-man work or a full-time trade job?
Re: Getting Divorced... Help
14I am sorry you are facing this.
I was 47 when my wife left me, and her taking our 12-year-old son with her to Kentucky was the correct thing for our son, but it has been the hardest thing I've ever had to work through.
Things I learned:
Your wife's divorce attorney will not be doing their job if they don't try to get everything they possibly can for her in your settlement. Things may be brought up that you thought had been worked out and in the past. I don't have any advice about this except to try not to take it personally or assume that she was the one who told the attorney that some over-the-top demand was what she wanted.
The attorney that you settle on may or may not be a good advocate for you. Don't hesitate to fire one if they seem like they just want to rubber stamp whatever her attorney offers. Even if yours says, "She has the law on her side," or whatever, a second opinion could save you future heartache and money. I used a lawyer that my company's benefits program recommended since the filing was in Kentucky and I am in Oregon, and in retrospect I should have taken more of a proactive position in that decision.
Your daughter may say things to you that seem intentionally hurtful. The things that you say back will more define your future relationship with her than anything she says. Measure twice, cut once before you respond.
The kindness, sympathy, and intimacy of a new relationship would smooth over some of the sharp edges of what you are feeling, but it complicates things, too.
My mother was a support to me to a fault, basically painting me as a victim when of course the reality was more nuanced. But one pretty vapid (on its surface) piece of advice she gave me, in retrospect, is very true - "If you're going through Hell...keep going." There will be parts of all this that are beyond your control, but identifying what is within your control and defining what that will mean for your future will help you feel less helpless day-to-day, which it seems to me is the main thing you are hoping that our community can provide for you.
I was 47 when my wife left me, and her taking our 12-year-old son with her to Kentucky was the correct thing for our son, but it has been the hardest thing I've ever had to work through.
Things I learned:
Your wife's divorce attorney will not be doing their job if they don't try to get everything they possibly can for her in your settlement. Things may be brought up that you thought had been worked out and in the past. I don't have any advice about this except to try not to take it personally or assume that she was the one who told the attorney that some over-the-top demand was what she wanted.
The attorney that you settle on may or may not be a good advocate for you. Don't hesitate to fire one if they seem like they just want to rubber stamp whatever her attorney offers. Even if yours says, "She has the law on her side," or whatever, a second opinion could save you future heartache and money. I used a lawyer that my company's benefits program recommended since the filing was in Kentucky and I am in Oregon, and in retrospect I should have taken more of a proactive position in that decision.
Your daughter may say things to you that seem intentionally hurtful. The things that you say back will more define your future relationship with her than anything she says. Measure twice, cut once before you respond.
The kindness, sympathy, and intimacy of a new relationship would smooth over some of the sharp edges of what you are feeling, but it complicates things, too.
My mother was a support to me to a fault, basically painting me as a victim when of course the reality was more nuanced. But one pretty vapid (on its surface) piece of advice she gave me, in retrospect, is very true - "If you're going through Hell...keep going." There will be parts of all this that are beyond your control, but identifying what is within your control and defining what that will mean for your future will help you feel less helpless day-to-day, which it seems to me is the main thing you are hoping that our community can provide for you.
"And the light, it burns your skin...in a language you don't understand."
Re: Getting Divorced... Help
15Regarding your house: For my divorce, we argued over who would get our home, since we had bought it only a few years earlier. I knew my wife didn't want it, but she wanted to use it against me. For me to have kept my house, I needed to pay her half the equity in it. Her lawyers got a super high estimate from a real estate broker, and I had to use a bank in response, which gave a super low estimate. We ended up having to negotiate a middle price, split that in half, and that was my buyout offer to her. I then had to refinance the house to get her off the loan and borrow money to pay her off. Part of the divorce papers I had to sign were removing her from the deed.
So, she can't technically just take your house. And neither can you. She'll either have to pay you off or you pay her off. If you sell the house, you'd split the profits in half, which would probably be easiest.
So, she can't technically just take your house. And neither can you. She'll either have to pay you off or you pay her off. If you sell the house, you'd split the profits in half, which would probably be easiest.
Re: Getting Divorced... Help
16This. My lawyer was fine, but he was more like a whipped puppy. I actually did more negotiating by calling my ex-wife and telling her she was being a little too ridiculous and started doing some hard math to show that she could only get more money by taking the deal I was giving her vs what she was asking for and how I would respond to that. I had to draw a deep line and stand my ground on it.iembalm wrote: Thu Oct 09, 2025 1:57 pm The attorney that you settle on may or may not be a good advocate for you. Don't hesitate to fire one if they seem like they just want to rubber stamp whatever her attorney offers. Even if yours says, "She has the law on her side," or whatever, a second opinion could save you future heartache and money. I used a lawyer that my company's benefits program recommended since the filing was in Kentucky and I am in Oregon, and in retrospect I should have taken more of a proactive position in that decision.
Re: Getting Divorced... Help
17So here's the thing... I'm open to just selling and splitting, and understand that's the easiest on paper... I only asked her to maybe explore other options first and see what the mediator suggests. She had basically made her mind up without asking me or my daughter what we should do. She want's out and nothing to do with the house or living in the rental... she wants her share and to fuck off. FIne.cakes wrote: Thu Oct 09, 2025 2:04 pm Regarding your house: For my divorce, we argued over who would get our home, since we had bought it only a few years earlier. I knew my wife didn't want it, but she wanted to use it against me. For me to have kept my house, I needed to pay her half the equity in it. Her lawyers got a super high estimate from a real estate broker, and I had to use a bank in response, which gave a super low estimate. We ended up having to negotiate a middle price, split that in half, and that was my buyout offer to her. I then had to refinance the house to get her off the loan and borrow money to pay her off. Part of the divorce papers I had to sign were removing her from the deed.
So, she can't technically just take your house. And neither can you. She'll either have to pay you off or you pay her off. If you sell the house, you'd split the profits in half, which would probably be easiest.
I however have some issues. I would never be able to find somewhere in the city where I could have a workshop and a studio ever again, I will never have a property like this for my daughter inherit, which is a damn fucking shame as she was devastated when my wife told her we have to sell the house (without consulting me first) ... I would certainly have to take my earnings from the sale and fuck off to somewhere cheap, outside the city. I would be leaving my daughter and my partner to do that. I suggested that we at least look at me keeping the house and taking on the mortgage (it's a two-family) with the help of the rental income and a roommate I could probably cover it. She would remain an owner so she could continue to enjoy the equity it generates and if we eventually do choose to sell, also the value increase at sale. She says I would forfeit alimony if that's the case, but I presume the mediator would crunch those numbers. We only get to sell the house once... while us keeping ownership means we get to have it accrue in value and get closer to paying down the mortgage. The eject button of selling will always be there... I'm just asking for a chance to try to keep it in the family. It's kinda a crazy good investment that we would be giving up myopically.
Re: Getting Divorced... Help
18Is there anything wrong with asking that a percentage of the profit before splitting goes to your daughter? From your wife's perspective, it sounds like she wants as little tethering as possible.
Re: Getting Divorced... Help
19I would consider suicide before I would consider selling off all my musical instruments and recording equipment. I literally just got them all out of storage and set up my studio a couple months ago. I've been working towards this stage of my life for 25 years. It's who I am and I need to be a creative person. It's also part of how I make a living, So no. If I have to have all of my synths and guitars in a studio apartment I would do that before selling it all. I am however downsizing for efficiency and to pay down some debts... Some of this equipment is stuff I would never be able to afford again. It was all purchased before the prices on things went through the roof and most was purchased broken and fixed by me. It's too much of an emotional investment at this point. It's my life.cakes wrote: Thu Oct 09, 2025 12:55 pmThese are all relevant things regarding your divorce. You as a couple made the choice that you will take care of the house and the kids, as a stay at home dad. So, you haven't been in the workforce for the entirety of the marriage. Generally, depending on your state's laws regarding ownership, it's a 50/50 type of split, so you may be entitled to a lot more than you think, if you were to pursue it. Possibly even alimony, should you keep the house. I'm not a lawyer, but it seems there's a lot for your argument.themilford wrote: Thu Oct 09, 2025 12:33 pmmajor wrote: Thu Oct 09, 2025 11:41 am
Assuming the “Why?” is in reference to your kid, it doesn’t sound like court mandated child support is something else you need on your plate right now.
And my ex and I had a TON of problems that were evident when we first started dating and throughout our marriage, but after we ended up having a mutually agreed upon threesome with very strict parameters…well, it didn’t take long to realize, “Yeah, time to call it a day”.
Yeah, with my daughter in her senior year of HS and college on the horizon, I am afraid of this a little. The Irony is my wife's parents have the money to cover all of her college and then some, but are fucking weird with money. I'm pretty sure my wife knows coming at me for financial support would be a lost cause... She has said she expects to pay me alimony unless I try to keep her from selling the house in which she would ask that be off the table. For perspective, I have been a stay-home dad and homemaker through our whole marriage. I left the work-force when she became pregnant, this was a choice we both came to. As someone that is severely neurodivergent, an artist and a small business owner AND the one with building and carpentry skills, it just made sense for me to fill those rolls... So I only have sweat equity in the house and the relationship with very little financial contribution except what I could squeeze out of my labor of love Tronographic. I did all the shopping, cooking, house repairs, renovations, and upgrades, cared for our child, including bringing her to and from school and appointments, etc... and passing on any and all career or artistic opportunities and endeavors during along the way.
I want to find a mediator that basically understand modern gender roles are often reversed, and is sensitive to ADhD being a major factor for me moving on. And that Besides the typical home-maker I also was our contractor on our house and small business owner the whole time... My assets are tied up in the house that she wants to cut and run from. Which is disappointing, because years ago we always assumed that if a breakup happened one of us could rent the other apartment in the house and we could co-parent and cover the mortgage while I could retain my workshop in the cellar. She seems just amicable enough and wants mediation over lawyers, for cost and efficiency, but seems unwilling to start from a middle ground that accepts the position I am in. She also seems uninterested in what my daughter wants in terms of her inheriting the house. Which is really sad, as it was one of our shared dreams as a family.
Basically if I have to sell the house I will have to leave the city. I will likely have to sell off all my shop equipment and much of my studio. But even keeping the house and covering the mortgage myself will be daunting and likely impossible without a roommate or a huge change in my employment or both. Basically I feel double fucked.
Sorry, rambling and possibly sharing too much... I haven't even told my family yet, only a few close friends... I'm all fucked up.
If there's no real agreement on the house and she wants it without giving you anything back, I'm sorry to say that you should start to consider a lawyer at that point.
Honestly, I know it's difficult to take in now, but you should consider selling the house, the studio and your equipment and cut your losses, if anything to give you the freedom to start over. You don't want to put yourself in a situation where you will eventually need to do all of this, just to pay off debt and have nothing to show for it.
Have you ever considered handy-man work or a full-time trade job?
The shop equipment and tools are how I make most of my money. I make or repair things and sell them. I need the equipment and a shop for that. I tried the handyman thing... it's not viable at my age and with my health issues. I consider making things and selling them way more lucrative and much less abusive on my body.
If we must sell the house the equipment will go with me somewhere where I can use it to make a living. It's what I do. I would do that before most anything else short of keeping the house.
It's a $1.3m house in Brooklyn that we purchased for less than half of that, it seems silly to not keep it, even if she's just got her name on it until I can buy her out. She has a career, and a house she will inherit from her parents in the next few years. She has a retirement and savings. When we discussed selling years ago, that would mean taking the profit and buying something upstate... splitting that leaves both of us with half of that to work with. It's not much after taxes and capital gains. etc. I would be mostly fucked.
Re: Getting Divorced... Help
20Thanks for this.iembalm wrote: Thu Oct 09, 2025 1:57 pm I am sorry you are facing this.
I was 47 when my wife left me, and her taking our 12-year-old son with her to Kentucky was the correct thing for our son, but it has been the hardest thing I've ever had to work through.
Things I learned:
Your wife's divorce attorney will not be doing their job if they don't try to get everything they possibly can for her in your settlement. Things may be brought up that you thought had been worked out and in the past. I don't have any advice about this except to try not to take it personally or assume that she was the one who told the attorney that some over-the-top demand was what she wanted.
The attorney that you settle on may or may not be a good advocate for you. Don't hesitate to fire one if they seem like they just want to rubber stamp whatever her attorney offers. Even if yours says, "She has the law on her side," or whatever, a second opinion could save you future heartache and money. I used a lawyer that my company's benefits program recommended since the filing was in Kentucky and I am in Oregon, and in retrospect I should have taken more of a proactive position in that decision.
Your daughter may say things to you that seem intentionally hurtful. The things that you say back will more define your future relationship with her than anything she says. Measure twice, cut once before you respond.
The kindness, sympathy, and intimacy of a new relationship would smooth over some of the sharp edges of what you are feeling, but it complicates things, too.
My mother was a support to me to a fault, basically painting me as a victim when of course the reality was more nuanced. But one pretty vapid (on its surface) piece of advice she gave me, in retrospect, is very true - "If you're going through Hell...keep going." There will be parts of all this that are beyond your control, but identifying what is within your control and defining what that will mean for your future will help you feel less helpless day-to-day, which it seems to me is the main thing you are hoping that our community can provide for you.
FWIW: I raised our daughter. We have an excellent relationship... Both my wife and I are good parents. I would sling nothing and make it clear she can come to us with anything. I don't think my wife is vindictive that way. But I understand your concern and appreciate your advice here.
As for new relationships... We were both dating separately due to the opening of the marriage some months back. I have a pretty serious partner right now that is my north star and very level-headed with all of this. They are incredibly supportive and loving. I'm so grateful to them. They have even helped me with gainful employment which has been a huge financial relief... Here's to dating people that are in therapy and doing the work!!!
Have yet to tell my mom... I'm working up the courage.