every bad 80's teevee show or movie had its video montage. usually involving a team of several people chipping in to fix up a boat, a car, a parade float, a boat, etc etc.

in the docudrama (or docudramedy, whatever) about your life... during the video montage sequence... what song is playing, what are you doing, and with whom are you doing it?

I'm sitting at a computer, lots of jump-cuts to me lighting cigarettes, messing with tv aerial, strumming guitar on my lap, etc

Winner Takes It All is playing.

I'm slicing a bloody ham, wearing your mum's panties. We're building a giant ham effigy of you, TMH. Eisbar, by Die Grauzone is ringing out of my eyeballs. Your mum punches me in the dick.

This film is going to be directed by Paul Macarthy.

Best video montage EVER: Wet Hot American Summer

I'd do what they did, but all the girls would be nekkid.

I'm rehabilitating a sick elephant - all by myself. No one is helping me. Nobody cares. It's just me and the elephant, trunk in trunk against the world. We are doing lots of fun things together when he has enough energy. Running on the beach, going to the movies, boiling live Maine lobsters for supper. But mostly I am lying down beside him, gently massaging his large, grey ears and checking his temperature with a giant rectal thermometer.

"You Light Up My Life" is wailing in the background. Grown men everywhere are crying.

Me walking around on a forested mountainside. Getting lost, getting tired, taking wrong turns, going in circles, retracing my steps, getting more tired, getting hungry, getting frustrated. This is not a metaphor for anything; just how I do in forests sometimes. The music would be something comically inappropriate, maybe something from Huey Lewis and the News, like "Back in Time" or "Heart of Rock and Roll".

Close up of my alarm clock, cut to me fully clothed in the shower with a fax machine, several different shots of half-eaten jello, a aerial shot of Hoover Dam, a penguin dressed as an SS trooper having sex with Matt Dillon, a guitar shaped like Gary Busey's immaculate ass, me driving a school bus full of Asian strippers, the sun repeatedly rising and setting (about seven times), a birthday cake that suddenly morphs into the members of ABBA, and raisins.

music: "Nasty" by Trio

either that or a video of me unraveling a big cable-knit sweater that someone keeps knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting...

Mine wouldn't involve me, it would just be Eisenstein's ghost kicking the crap out of John Hughes and then torturing him in a variety of comical ways.