George: By the way, how did Puddy get back in the picture?
Elaine: I needed to move a bureau.
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Dr. Wexler: In your packet you will find the disease you have been assigned and the symptoms you will need to exhibit.
Mickey: Bacterial Meningitis. Jackpot!
Kramer: Gonorrhea? You wanna trade?
Mickey: Sorry buddy, this is the "Hamlet" of diseases. Severe pain, nausea, delusions, it's got everything.
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Jerry: ...Hey, so Sophie gave me the "It's me" on the phone today.
Elaine: "It's me?" Isn't it a little premature?
Jerry: I thought so.
Elaine: Hah. She's not a "me". I'm a "me".
George: I'm against all "it's me"s. So self-absorbed and egotistical, it's like those hip musicians with their complicated shoes!
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Elaine and Puddy are at Puddy's apartment.
Elaine: So where do you wanna eat?
Puddy: Feels like an Arby's night.
Elaine: Arby's. Beef and cheese and do you believe in god?
Puddy: Yes.
Elaine: Oh. So, you're pretty religious?
Puddy: That's right.
Elaine: So is it a problem that I'm not really religious?
Puddy: Not for me.
Elaine: Why not?
Puddy: I'm not the one going to hell.
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(George is holding out his hands while a man and woman marvel at them. A photographer is fooling around with a camera towards the right wall)
MAN: I've never seen hands like these before..
WOMAN: They're so soft and milky white.
PHOTOGRAPHER: You know who's hands they remind me of? (Pauses for effect) Ray McKigney.
(The woman nods as the man looks off into space)
MAN: Ugh.. Ray.
PHOTOGRAPHER: He was it.
GEORGE: Who was he?
PHOTOGRAPHER: The most exquisite hands you've ever seen.. Oh, he had it all.
GEORGE: (Hands still out, even though they've stopped looking at them) What happened to him?
(Obviously a touchy subject, the woman coyly walks over to the photographer, and they both occupy themselves. The man is left to tell George the answer to his question)
MAN: (Clears throat) Tragic story, I'm afraid. He could've had any woman in the world.. but none could match the beauty of his own hand.. and that became his one true love..
(Long pause)
GEORGE: You mean, uh..?
MAN: Yes. he was not.. master of his domain.
GEORGE: (Makes a gesture saying he understands. The man nods) But how.. uh..?
MAN: (Quick, to the point) The muscles.. became so strained with.. overuse, that eventually the hand locked into a deformed position, and he was left with nothing but a claw. (Holds hand up, displaying a claw-like shape) He traveled the world seeking a cure.. acupuncturists.. herbalists.. swamis.. nothing helped. Towards the end, his hands became so frozen the was unable to manipulate utensils, (Visibly disgusted by this last part) and was dependent on Cub Scouts to feed him.
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and of course, my personal favorite, mr. bookman (played by phillip baker hall), my dog's namesake. he's a very smart dog.
JERRY: Oh, I'm glad you're here, so we can get this all straightened out. Would you like a cup of tea?
BOOKMAN: You got any coffee?
JERRY: Coffee?
BOOKMAN: Yeah. Coffee.
JERRY: No, I don't drink coffee.
BOOKMAN: Yeah, you don't drink coffee? How about instant coffee?
JERRY: No, I don't have--
BOOKMAN: You don't have any instant coffee?
JERRY: Well, I don't normally--
BOOKMAN: Who doesn't have instant coffee?
JERRY: I don't.
BOOKMAN: You buy a jar of Folger's Crystals, you put it in the cupboard, you forget about it. Then later on when you need it, it's there. It lasts forever. It's freeze-dried. Freeze-dried Crystals.
JERRY: Really? I'll have to remember that.
BOOKMAN: You took this book out in 1971.
JERRY: Yes, and I returned it in 1971.
BOOKMAN: Yeah, '71. That was my first year on the job. Bad year for libraries. Bad year for America. Hippies burning library cards, Abby Hoffman telling everybody to steal books. I don't judge a man by the length of his hair or the kind of music he listens to. Rock was never my bag. But you put on a pair of shoes when you walk into the New York Public Library, fella.
JERRY: Look, Mr. Bookman. I--I returned that book. I remember it very specifically.
BOOKMAN: You're a comedian, you make people laugh.
JERRY: I try.
BOOKMAN: You think this is all a big joke, don't you?
JERRY: No, I don't.
BOOKMAN: I saw you on T.V. once; I remembered your name--from my list. I looked it up. Sure enough, it checked out. You think because you're a celebrity that somehow the law doesn't apply to you, that you're above the law?
JERRY: Certainly not.
BOOKMAN: Well, let me tell you something, funny boy. Y'know that little stamp, the one that says "New York Public Library"? Well that may not mean anything to you, but that means a lot to me. One whole hell of a lot. Sure, go ahead, laugh if you want to. I've seen your type before: Flashy, making the scene, flaunting convention. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. What's this guy making such a big stink about old library books? Well, let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me. Maybe. Sure, we're too old to change the world, but what about that kid, sitting down, opening a book, right now, in a branch at the local library and finding drawings of pee-pees and wee-wees on the Cat in the Hat and the Five Chinese Brothers? Doesn't HE deserve better? Look. If you think this is about overdue fines and missing books, you'd better think again. This is about that kid's right to read a book without getting his mind warped! Or: maybe that turns you on, Seinfeld; maybe that's how y'get your kicks. You and your good-time buddies. Well I got a flash for ya, joy-boy: Party time is over. Y'got seven days, Seinfeld. That is one week!
enjoy it here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_zePQavforA