Dear Sonsabitches:
It is time for you to set the record straight on a subject that I hold very dear. I have asked local merchants and they have been unable to assuage my anger. Actually, most of them don't speak a word of the fucking King's English, so getting anything more than clicks and whistles from them on the subject has been next to impossible, but I digress. About once every two weeks I am forced to ask the same question and I get the same confused head shaking and shame from them:
How in holy mother of fuck is it possible that stores routinely sell out of Diet Mountain Dew?
I will qualify the question for you. I understand that by definition you are the industry standard for Second Best. I knew there was no hope for you assholes when my friend Ross told me about a set of twins that worked at the same bar he did. One was cool, the other was a stone bitch. Their nicknames? Coke and Pepsi. You figure out whom was whom. Just as Burger King sets up shop across the street from a McDonalds, you release products aimed at taking down the C-word's market share. Everything those megalomaniac colonialist motherfuckers do, you follow with something that tastes just a bit worse.
For instance, Coke with Lemon (C) (TM) (BJ) came out two years and the Ad-Wizards that came up with it decided the best way to get the word out was to hand it out for free. Though the temperature here in Chicago was in the high 80's and they were literally giving the shit away, no one was interested. Since your marketing people are like every other bloodsucking 'Sex in the City' watching savage that tries to make people need shit they don't want, it somehow made sense to try and sell your version. How did that board meeting go?
Marketing Snake: I have been (finger quotes) 'working the street' and it seems that Coke (C) (TM) (BJ) has a new product: Coke with Lemon (C) (TM) (BJ)
(groans from around the table)
Board Member: Well, what should we do?
Marketing Snake: Bear with me here, I might be talking out of turn, but I think we should make the EXACT SAME THING...except....
Board Member(apprehensive): Except what?
Marketing Snake: Except with Pepsi! (C) (TM) (BJ)
Board Member: Good God man! It is a good thing we pay you in the low six figures!
The best part? Pepsi with Lemon actually tastes worse. I know, it seems unfathomable, but after tasting both (for the purpose of this letter incidentally) I couldn't decide whether you cut the shit with Mr. Clean or a migrant worker punched me in the mouth. Either way it sucked. Pain with a twist of lemon.
Even though your entire existence is somehow predicated upon that of Coca Cola, someone in your company stopped doing blow off of a dead hooker long enough to create the amazing soft drink Mountain Dew. Like mana from heaven, like moisture from the loins of the gods themselves, Mountain Dew is unlike any other drink in the world. It is so good, in fact, I can even forgive the sickening X-TREME marketing ads you assholes made in the early 90's featuring Busta Rhymes. I was hooked on that shit since I could buy it in glass bottles. Unfortunately, four years ago I tried the Atkins Diet. Sugar is a no-no for Jack, so I stopped drinking the Ambrosia. One week, a triple bypass, fourteen pounds less and $1300 in meat receipts later, I was off the Atkins wagon and drinking soda again.
You cannot imagine my abject horror I felt when -after my first sip of said fuel- I wanted to vomit. Not drinking sugar for an entire week only to start back up with Mountain Dew is like spending an entire lifetime masturbating to the JC Penny catalog only to have Jenna Jameson take your virginity. In both cases, it is a short-lived system shock and much gurgling and gasping occurs. Thankfully, I was able to switch to Diet Dew and all was well.
Or so I thought.
It seems impossible that in this Brand New E-conomy that a company of your stature could so consistently and completely fuck up something as simple as shipping your most popular product to consumers. Today is a great example. I live in Chicago Motherfucking Illinois. Consumerville USA. People here buy shit, and that is all. There is nothing else to do in Chicago exept fucking buy shit. What is the biggest attraction to Chicago? The Miracle Mile: Fucking shopping. I work in a large building downtown, near the Miracle Mile coincidentafuckingly enough. Today, I went to get a bottle of Diet Mountain Dew. My entire 80 story fucking building was out of it. Three fucking stores, four vending machines and a fucking Quiznos but no Diet Mountain Dew.
I'll play Devil's Advocate for a moment and say that small businesses have a difficult time keeping things on the shelves. Fine, I'll go to the definition of corporate franchise: 7/11. ONE fucking bottle left in the entire store. The worst part: I had to dig through pallets of fucking regular Mountain Dew and -you guessed it- Lime Pepsi. FUCK. I didn't even know that bullshit existed until I was hurling it at the guy behind the counter while screaming for justice.
Your problem lies in what we in the business of buying shit call 'Supply Chain Management. For fuck's sake, there are university programs dedicated to just that: I can now get a bachelor's degree in fucking Supply Chain Management. I don't know if that pisses me off more than the possibility that not a single person in your company holds this degree. Actually, it is impossible that someone in your company could have a degree in it and fuck things up this badly so I'll make this really easy for you. Fire the stupid son of a bitch in charge of shipping shit, cut the following out and give it to your drivers:
MEMO
From: Management
To: All PepsiCo Drivers
Re: Your complete fucking inability to keep Diet Mountain Dew on the shelves
An angry customer made me aware of an issue. He has a way to solve our Diet Mountain Dew Deficit. If you are delivering 100 bottles of Diet Mountain Dew once a month to a store, and the store is running out inside of a week, here is a fantastic fucking idea: deliver more fucking bottles next time!
Thanks,
Management
Lets even get further down the Devil's Advocate list. Lets say that you mongrel motherfuckers aren't making enough Diet Dew to meet demand. I have a solution for that also: MAKE MORE. FUCK. Divert some of your funds spent on your amazing 'Coca Cola SUX LOL' advertising campaign and spend it on making more Diet Mountain Dew.
Obviously, I have spent too much time thinking about this, but let me finish with a fantasy I have about how you fucking children can't properly conduct business. I bet you are all looking at the sales reports from across the country and seeing that Diet Dew doesn't sell as well as your other brands. You pick up the phone, dial someone and say 'We need to capitalize, diversify and homogenize. We need to upscale our deficit reduction and re-prioritize our Primary Action Items. We need..' Before you can finish the conference call, I burst in with a chainsaw and cut the fucking desk in half screaming 'THE REASON YOU AREN'T SELLING AS MUCH IS THAT YOU AREN'T FUCKING GOD DAMN DELIVERING IT!!!! FUUUUUUCCK!' Diet Mountain Dew is the only motherfucking thing I can think of that is by design addictive, legal, sold by one of the largest companies on earth and nearly impossible to get. If Coke sold Diet Dew, I would have an IV drip of the shit in my arm right now, thanking Mr. Cola and his minions for making my day smoother.
Instead, I am finishing the last 20 oz bottle of Diet Dew in the greater midwest wondering how in the fuck I will find another.
Burn in hell,
TMC
open letter to Pepsi
1"Basically, he's a worthless scumbag, and this is the only way he can get his kicks."