Brett Eugene Ralph wrote:You mean it didn't even get a rise out of them?

Here we go...

Just this afternoon I sat down to lunch with ERawk at this Middle Eastern falafel joint in the Loop.

I'd ordered a vegetarian combo and a bottle of that Arizona tea, the kind with pomegranate juice added (antioxidants=teh healthy, you know).

So anyway, we're sitting there eating and I suddenly feel thirsty so I pick up the bottle, give it a shake and the cap goes flying off! Tea/juice goes everywhere! All over my shirt, my khakis, my food, the table...

As if that wasn't embarrassing enough, ERawk was sitting there across the table calling attention by laughing at me! Grrrrrr...

Seems I'd forgotten I had already (absent-mindedly) broken the seal while waiting in the cash register queue. I just used napkins to blot it up as best I could and we went outside into the sun for the remainder of my lunch hour to let it air-dry.

After returning to work I stayed behind my desk for the remainder of the day.

I hope it doesn't stain permanently...

Just after finding myself suddenly single (after five years of being married), I pitched headlong into a period of depression, isolation and celibacy. I kept going to work although I didn't do anything there. I started running a lot just to have something to do in the evenings. Eventually, I lost the job/resigned under duress, but I threatened to fuck my (24 year old) boss by ratting him out to management for smoking crank in his "off time." Careerist little fuck. Hated that little prick... Anyway, with that hanging over his head, he didn't contest my grievance and I ended up on unemployment. However, this only further served to cement me into my pattern of isolating and being at home a lot.

One night, I did venture out to a bar, and stumbled into a really amazing, funny, sexy woman. I bought her a drink. She was also getting divorced and had been sitting in a dark house a lot. She mentioned that the only thing she really missed about her ex and her old life was the regular sex and that her ex had taken the coffeepot when they divided their stuff.

I bought a little stovetop espresso maker the next day and I took it to her on her lunch break.

She came over straightaway after work to see I had some of the other.

This was two people who had spent the last four or five months alone, sitting around thinking "Am I a failure? What happened to my life?" as one is wont to do in the wake of a failed marriage. Having sex again was like the first warm day of spring, and we really did it up right.

She was, as someone mentioned about their girlfriend earlier in this thread, LOUD, and I was ok with that, seeing as how it was just such a joy to have someone around who LIKED me and wanted to have lots of sex at all hours of the day and night. But, y'know, I mean really, really loud. Like, she'd call my name and holler instructions and call Jesus, and all that... But it was just so nice to have someone to hang out with and eat meals and, yes, rut like ferrets...

It really broke the spell for me, and it was just a joy to have her around.

One day, I drove her back to her job after bringing her home "for lunch" and when I got back to the house my neighbor, a tall and stunningly beautiful black woman, and her also very attractive friend were standing in her driveway, talking. I had never spoken to her before, mostly because she was just so intimidatingly attractive and also because she had that Professional Woman Ice Queen thing going on 80% of the time I saw her. The other 20% was when one of her friends was over, and they'd stand in the driveway and talk and laugh, have a couple of beers and smoke and I always felt that was a party I wasn't really invited to.

I smiled and gave a little wave to them, not wanting to disturb their conversation.

"Hey, Patrick," said my neighbor, in a very friendly and warm voice. "It is 'Patrick,' right?"

A little startled, I said "Well, hi!" and I am sure I made a sort of confused face, thinking "How does she know my name....?" That is ....until I realized...

My bedroom window faces her driveway.

Her friend started laughing just as it all sort of pieced itself together in my mind, and I stopped dead in my tracks. I said "Ah...oh... damn..." and then ran inside.

I could very clearly hear them laughing at me from my bedroom...

I woke up once lying on dirt floor in compete darkness. My head is throbbing. My ankle feels broken and the entire right side of my body is partially submerged in some, as yet, unidentified liquid. I peer up and notice a small beam of sunlight emanating from an opening far above. Looking left and right , I can see nothing but black. It smells like a dead cat carcass with hints of lavender. I start freaking out thinking I'm in some Silence of the Lambs situation and cautiously getting to my feet and feeling around for something I can use to defend myself with when I come across a solid metal box sitting a few feet beneath where the sunlight is beaming in. I climb up on the box and find its a window about 2ft across by maybe 8 or 9 inches wide. I bust the glass out and wriggle through to find myself............... in my friggin' driveway!

Apparently I had fallen down the stairs to the basement while trying to get in the bathroom of my 1st floor flat. They were set right next to each other. In my defense (if there is any), it was the day after Tuesday night $1.50 rails at the Paradise.

I quickly brushed all the broken glass back through the window in a lame attempt to make it look like someone had tried to bust in, put my tail between my legs and hobbled around to my apartment. Of course I didn't have a key on me, so I had to pound on my door for about a half an hour till my deadbeat, just as hungover as I was, roommate finally wakes up and lets me in.

I'm still getting shit for that. It's been almost 10 years now.

Brett Eugene Ralph wrote:

Braden wrote:I stopped into a local bakery on my way home tonight to pick up some buns. The smell of the closing bakery was quite refreshing, so i commented as such to the young girls behind the counter. Their reply was "Oh, that's us." Of course, without due thought, the words from my mouth were "You mean y'all smell like yeast?"

I felt really bad saying that. On the upside I don't think they got it, and I walked out with a bag of buns gratis as their till was already shut down.

You mean it didn't even get a rise out of them?

No, and it really didn't knead to.

dontfeartheringo wrote:Just after finding myself suddenly single...

That's a fucking great story man.

Korloin wrote:I woke up once lying on dirt floor in compete darkness. My head is throbbing. My ankle feels broken and the entire right side of my body is partially submerged in some, as yet, unidentified liquid. I peer up and notice a small beam of sunlight emanating from an opening far above. Looking left and right , I can see nothing but black. It smells like a dead cat carcass with hints of lavender. I start freaking out thinking I'm in some Silence of the Lambs situation and cautiously getting to my feet and feeling around for something I can use to defend myself with when I come across a solid metal box sitting a few feet beneath where the sunlight is beaming in. I climb up on the box and find its a window about 2ft across by maybe 8 or 9 inches wide. I bust the glass out and wriggle through to find myself............... in my friggin' driveway!

Amazing...that totally had me glued to the screen in anticipation of the gimp coming out or some shit...

Great story..salut!

Braden wrote:

Brett Eugene Ralph wrote:

Braden wrote:I stopped into a local bakery on my way home tonight to pick up some buns. The smell of the closing bakery was quite refreshing, so i commented as such to the young girls behind the counter. Their reply was "Oh, that's us." Of course, without due thought, the words from my mouth were "You mean y'all smell like yeast?"

I felt really bad saying that. On the upside I don't think they got it, and I walked out with a bag of buns gratis as their till was already shut down.

You mean it didn't even get a rise out of them?

No, and it really didn't knead to.

So didn't cost you any dough?

night_tools wrote:

dontfeartheringo wrote:Just after finding myself suddenly single...

That's a fucking great story man.

Thank you, sir.

It's no pants-shitting saga, but I was well embarrassed.

Boombats wrote:

Braden wrote:

Brett Eugene Ralph wrote:

Braden wrote:I stopped into a local bakery on my way home tonight to pick up some buns. The smell of the closing bakery was quite refreshing, so i commented as such to the young girls behind the counter. Their reply was "Oh, that's us." Of course, without due thought, the words from my mouth were "You mean y'all smell like yeast?"

I felt really bad saying that. On the upside I don't think they got it, and I walked out with a bag of buns gratis as their till was already shut down.

You mean it didn't even get a rise out of them?

No, and it really didn't knead to.

So didn't cost you any dough?

Sounds like a good deal--any way you slice it.